How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
Let’s keep in touch! Sign up to receive our newsletter:
Anthony Centore
I was an abused child, got into an abusive marriage. I knew what a mental mess I’d become, never planned kids. At 32 became pregnant (rather miraculous since our marriage had become virtually sexless). My abuser became the man I fell in love with again…while Iwas pregnant till our son was about 18 months old. Then the verbal abuse started again. I was miserable and wanted to leave, but he’d told me if I ever left him he’d take my son and I’d never see him again. When our son, Caelen, was five, the physical abuse started again. ?. In front of Caelen. I was NOT going to allow my son to grow up witnessing abuse! So, despite his threat to take Caelen from me, I left the abusive now-Ex. He did take my son from me…kidnapped him from school one day. Didn’t get to see my son for a year, but his cryi g for me caused his dad to let us visit. Still, I regret that I lost my right and privilege to raise my child, to be a daily part of his life. Our relationship cannot be ever become what it should have been, should be, and that’s my fault for leaving his dad (who would not move out owhen asked). I blame myself, Icry daily about my irreparable loss, but at least my son did not suffer the effects of growing up in an abusive home. He is confident and seems happy and well adjusted…for an 18 year old. I hate myself for not being there for him more though, because he did learn a lot of his dad’s disrespect of household members and slovenliness. But I cant change that now. I can only love my boy, unconditionally.
I want to let go of a mistake in my career choice and thank god for new opportunities.
I have been having a hard time forgiving myself lately for things I would have brushed off at a younger age. I am only 22 however, still young, but I feel as if I have let alcohol make a ton of bad decisions for me. Or maybe it is because I had a son 7 months ago and I want to be a better person, a better mom. Needless to say I got myself a babysitter one night, drank an overly amount of alcohol and decided to have a one night stand. This would have been something I probably could have brushed off a couple years ago, but now it is eating at me. It’s bringing up my past and I almost feel dirty for everything I have done. Sex with people who meant nothing to me? I have slept with 4 guys, however, only one i loved. This is not the life I want. I want to meet someone nice and I don’t want to be ashamed about my past anymore. I want sex to be something meaningful for me, not some urge I cannot control when I am drinking. Which brings me to drinking. I keep kicking myself for not getting my shit together. I do not get drunk often because of my son, but when I do…i seem to get drunk to the point my judgement is blurred and I make bad decisions and I’m sick of it. I want to be a better person and have more self respect for myself. It’s been so hard to forgive myself for not being the person I deserve. I hope to one day let go of all my regret and pain and make better decisions for myself, to be someone I am proud of