How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I’m reminded of a scene in the Matrix at the very end when the agents are shooting at Neo and he holds up his hand and says on word…’NO!’ All the bullets fall to the ground. To me, depression guilt over the past MUST be dealt with in this same manor. You have to just decide that enough is enough. My regret comes from past relationships and carrying the hurt over into the next one. I have used relationships as a sign of validation. Along the way I have hurt many. I am walking in a sense of forgiveness as I have reached out just as George has done and asked those who I hurt to forgive me. Some accept it, some don’t. When it comes to forgiveness however, we have to get to a place where we can forgive the most important person in our lives …ourselves.
I can’t keep living like this. I’m 44 yrs old and have wasted far too much time. Thank you Vanese for saying it in one short yet clear sentence: It’s by choice we forgive others, it’s commendable when they choose to forgive us, but it is crucial that we forgive ourselves.
Ive been dealing with this for almost a year now.Ive talked to so many people my past mistakes.Ive apologized to everyone I could.Im 19 years old and when I was younger teen 14-15 I made a bad habit out of inappropriately touching older family members when I slept in the same in the same bed as them or sometimes in the day.I did it sneakily when they didn’t realize it or passed it off as playing.I look back now when I was older and I resent how I acted and I now feel embarrassed and ashamed .I felt broken when I started remembering what bad things I did in those days.It sent me in a downward spiral where I felt broken and all I wanted to do was cry.No matter what I told myself I still felt that intense shame that would eat at my soul.Everything I did felt empty and hopeless for a while.I didnt know how handle my feelings and I felt worthless.It was truly the most miserable time I have lived through.It was like this for a while it slowly got a bit better .I got broader shoulders for the weight I felt I carried.Today I still struggle with these feeling somewhat.My cousin I felt that wronged died a few months ago from an accidental overdose of fentanyl .She was 17.I miss her and I feel bad about it eventhough I really shouldnt because we were always friends even at the end.Now im 19 and trying to do better in life and trying
getting ready for my future.I need to let go but I cant figure out how.Sex is an uncomfortable thing to talk about.It is considered shameful to mention in religion and in society.That might be partly why it has been so hurtful to me.It is hard to blame a young kid who was just curious about sexuality but I still somehow blame myself for it.I want to forgive myself and move on but it is not straight foward as that. What should I do.
Im in a simililar situation, when I was younger I did something that is absolutely disgusting. Remorse has taken over my life, im afraid that if I dont take care of this it will never go away. This is the first time im telling this to someone, but I just couldnt stay silent anymore. Its like guilt and remorse have locked my happiness in a box. I feel trapped.
Like John I’m also a 52 yr old man, and have gone to counseling in the past. I’ve been carrying a sackload of guilt for things I can remember doing when I was 8,9, 10 years old. I was bullied as a child and as a result I bullied my younger brothers, was mean to my pets on occasion.
As I got into my mid 20’s and 30’s and grew physically I started becoming what I hated, a bully myself. To keep this shorter, I’ve hurt a lot of people and did a lot of people wrong, many who didn’t deserve it.
I’ve apologized to my brothers and explained why I think I did what I did, but I still don’t feel completely forgiven by 1 or 2, and to this day there is little relationship outside of family get-togethers.
This is the year I’ve decided to let it all go, even though I don’t know how or how i’ll even know whether I have truly let it go. I’ve given myself crying sessions in the past but shortly after I think of things and still feel the guilt and regret.
Thanks for your time,
George
Hello everyone, I’m Shrenik from India.
I’ve read a number of posts. Which shows the long guilts & deep regrets. From a long time really long…
Many of my old friends experiencing a deep guilts into the chest. They worry a lot. But worry never solves the problems. It increases the problems. & make them worse. It is normal by the way. But I just want to share something.
In life we have different phases like childhood, teenage, adulthood & then we grow to old.
But, all phases are different. We are not we which we was…
It is very wrong to treat outself as a prisoners. Just because we did something wrong coz we were child. A child don’t know what’s good or what’s bad. That’s why he’s a child. If your son did the same mistake which you did… What will you do to him. Firstly you’ll punish him but after that we will forgive him. That’s why we also deserve to forgive ourself.
We deserve a best life that’s why we will do…
It’s by choice we forgive others, it’s commendable when they choose to forgive us, but it is crucial that we forgive ourselves.
-Vanese Henley