How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
Let’s keep in touch! Sign up to receive our newsletter:
Anthony Centore
Pain from a bad childhood, a bad marriage and disappointing relationships with my adult children and friends
A while ago I cheated on my gf and she found out and we broke up a few months ago. She’s happy to be single now but I’m a wreck. I know that it’s all my fault that this happened in the first place, but that only makes the feeling worse. It’s been months since I blew my chance with her and I still stay up at night hating myself. I don’t know what to do sometimes, other times I just want to give up. Idk wtf to do with my life without her and I need help
I’m under the age of 16, but I’ve been through many heartbreaks and life lessons. I hear all the time that I’m very mature for my age. But, I’m not sure that’s a good thing. I think it all started with my first break up. He had already had many girlfriends and experience. I hadn’t even had my first kiss. He was always pushing and pushing for me to kiss him but I’ve always hated being on the spot. So I refused and he got tired. So one day he left me a voicemail telling me that he was breaking up with me. I cried and screamed at the moon. I didn’t understand we were dating for 3 months (not a long time but I loved him like no other). I hate myself for letting him go and now he’s dating one of my good friends. And it about killed me when I found out. It’s been a year since we’ve been separated. And I still miss him. But not like my second breakup. He was a pothead, had nothing going for him and thought the world revolved around him. I guess I felt like I deserved lower quality boys after my first breakup. So, he ended up being my first kiss and we hung out every weekend. We broke up twice and he came back a couple weeks ago. I started flirting and we were basically dating. But I realized that he just got bored. So I broke it off. He acted like he was hurt. He wasn’t. Poor me for thinking that he actually cared.. He’s cheated on me god-knows-how-many times. Him being under the age of 16, is pretty pathetic that he’s smoking weed, drinking alcohol and having sex. So I still love him even though he’s a piece of shit. And then long-story-short, there was another boy, we’re neighbors and he’s better than the pothead but not much. We’ve dated two times also and I’m not over him either. Seeing him on a daily basis doesn’t help. We flirt constantly and that doesn’t help either. He disrespected me one day and I went off on him and we hated eachother for awhile. Now we’re fine. But basically, I’m stuck between a boy with a girlfriend, a pot-smoking player, and the boy next door. I need help. I also suffer from depression and trust issues. So if you have the effort to read this please leave some comments. It would help immensely. Thank you so much.:)