How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
Yes hello. I expect you’ve heard of this type of regret before many of times, in away it’s sad but complicated at the same time…
I grew up and was raised from a normal working class background. Considering this background
I have made good choices in my life and bad choices. Basically ,the good choices and good luck have been; that I have travelled, achieved to be an accomplished musician – a drummer and percussionist who plays in bands and in general someone who is fairly happy with life. However, their is one side of mylife that I’m not happy with and I do realize I’m not alone with this issue.
It is ,well, being in many bands and playing with bands , you wouldn’t of thought I would have this problem? it’s to do with social anxiety….I think I started to late in going out with girls, I was always abit shy and underconfidant with girls at school and into my college years. I did only have and still have a 1st girlfriend at age 36 which unfortunately only lasted 2 months… of which this short-term fling/relationship,
was a big mess and became abusive on both parts. In a nutshell what I’m saying of the whole part of why I’m writing to you is that I have had not much experience /luck in having many close friends and many girls/fun
when in my youth-more specifically between the ages of 21 and 30, and I don’t know why…? I do feel as thoe many oppertunities
were missed and also believe that not enough came my way. So , although during those years I worked , travelled and did what I loved- playing out in bands …etc all the normal things ,like going out with girls , going to party’s I didn’t do, maybe a couple of party’s , but that was it… Women have mainly been my problem, never did have any as friends or really got to know any of the years. This hasn’t done me any good and now at age 39 I look back with regret/ choice ? but, alot of this then was out of my control, I guess I was never that good at it or popular… It’s not all bad I do have- now have musician friends – a couple and two good friends -personal friends. However, when out and about I do see couples, and friends in groups and all this comes up in me from time to time and i become upset and feel with shame that all this didn’t happen to me not even a little bit. It has become a angerered resentment and feel as thoe I’ve left things to late or it has left me to late… I’m now at present living back with my mother as a result of recession and trying to get myself back on track and out of debt… of which I’m nearly on top of.
My friend situation is better these days but unfortunately involves know women. I have tried internet dating to no avail and basically i don’t have the patience for it. But, it is mainly the critical years in my youth that I feel as thoe i’ved lost and missed…
Now at 39 , part of me ironically just wants
a quiet life but the other part just wants to party animal… this is normal I know to some extent but how can i either let go of this past that was misspent, not normally enjoyed and a battle to form relationships be erased…? mayb it can’t ? afterhaul was and is a large part of someones life. How can i get over this ? and deal with it…?
I pretty much came from a good normal loving family , my parents separated when i was age 13 . However , Me and my brother were raised and brought up jewish as my farther is , but
our/ my mother isn’t . this i think has made me confused – because i have been for years essentially walking around wondering what I am and who I am…?; do i want a jewish wife / partner, or don’t I ? as a result , confused with mixed feelings ….
Could you please try and make sense of some of this and tell me how i can if possible let this part of my life go or help me deal with it in some way better as I do feel as thoe I ‘ve missed and messed up…?
M. L.
If you need help for anything, please feel free to give us a call anytime at 1-855-2-THRIVE. We are here for you.
My situation is somewhat similar to yours. I think you would benefit having a conversation with me. Email me back
i did mistake to hurt my girlfriend. she was trying to convince me for marriage but everyone was readdy but that time i was not ready mently but her marriage is fixed and now telling i will never forgive and never come back to you.. she left me and now m alone and not ready for move on.. totlly feel regret, heartache because she loves me lot but now the things are changed. what to do?
I want to let go of the anger and resentment toward my ex-boss about how unfairly and unsympathetically she she treated me publicly and privately, particularly when I became partially disabled with hip arthritis after 15 years of being in her employ and doing very good work. She said mean and demeaning things to me in front of others, belittled my work, told me to shut up on several occasions, and purposefully asked me to do things she knew I could not physically do. She made my life so miserable I quit, with what little self-esteem I had left.
I want to let go of this
I worked at one place 24 years, until new young people came along and put my hard working ways down, they ridiculed me,insulted my education,put me down in public until I was so low,along with my divorce. Until I got written up and fired for nothing during recession. Shame,guilt,desperation, single Mom of 4. I survived. I prayed every day,cried every day but God made me survive. I lost everything and everyone. I was in a country with no family or friends,they all turned on me. I was alone and survived,thrived. Thank you for letting me share.