How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
Let’s keep in touch! Sign up to receive our newsletter:
Anthony Centore
I dated a drug addict. Stupidest decision of my entire life. I can’t get over how naive and dumb I was to think that he would stop using the drugs for me? For a life with me? To find some ideal of happiness? As if that’s what he was really into. All he ever did was use me, lie to me, use drugs for the entire 5 years. My family warned me, my friends warned me, any person who I told about him basically warned me. But like a fool, I would take him back every time he’d return from a binge, even if it was a year later….all he’d have to do was sell me another story of how amazing and pure our love was, be charming and fun – and like a foolish woman I just soaked it all up. I thought we really had something special. I thought all the times we laughed for hours in the middle of the night, all of the passionate love we made, all of the times he did nice things for me actually MEANT something. I thought he was my bestfriend but he never actually cared. I ended up getting burned, and everyone who knew my family and his family basically look at me like I’m the most idiotic woman on the planet for being with someone like him. Our families knew each other very well. I just can’t seem to forgive myself for letting someone liek him get so close to me. What did I think he was going to be a loving father and husband? I get so mad at myself for being SO much in denial. I wish his love never had such an affect on me.
I’m trying to let it go, maybe writing it here will help. But I think about it all the time. I think about how manipulative and intentional he was the entire time – while my head was in teh clouds trying so hard to be the one that could save him. Trying to be sweet enough, pretty enough, forgiving enough, honest enough, smart enough – anything to show him that he could put his trust and faith in me and our future, that life wasn’t so bad after all. But clearly it was. I just feel so stupid. Like this fool who believed in love while the entire world knew I was out to lunch. And I never saw it! IT took me 5 years to finally get it. 5 whole years of my young adult life wasted on a guy who would leave me in the drop of a dime for drugs…
The worst part is, I would rather believe he actually did love me, then to have to deal with teh horrible reality that I was the biggest fool ever.
After this ordeal the only person or being left to rely on is God (everyone I know judges me and looks at me like I’m a crazy person) God got me through everything…prayer saved me. So I pray for his soul…and I pray for mine…and I thank you for letting me put this out there. I hope I can finally let that awful drama go to the grave once and for all…
Over the past few years I haven’t been myself. It all started when my grandpa passed away. He was the closest person to me and I just wasn’t ready to let him go so soon. After he passed, I spiraled. I started sleeping with random strangers just to feel a void I feel like. After every encounter, I alway felt disgusting and ashamed of what I’ve became. I realized that I need to stop because this wasn’t the person I was and for almost a year I did, but recently I did it again. I feel so ashamed and I wonder why me everyday. I wonder why I can’t just go back to the way things use to be and I can be happy again, I’m so insecure about myself and I feel as though I’ll never find that special someone to love. Every time I’m in this situation I always tell myself why? I know it’s wrong. I just want to be happy again because I don’t like who I’ve become.
I really needed to just let go and I hope that I can just become a better person and forgive myself for what I’ve done.
Sexting which I really really regret it upsets me every single day please help