How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I was abused when I was little. I feel like I’m bad (almost evil), I feel like I need to be severely punished (beaten, pussy whipped). My therapist keeps telling me that what happened was not my fault and that “I am a good girl”, but my body burns with this need for punishment. I can’t stop thinking about it. I don’t want to feel this way. The only way I think I can get over this is if someone would punish me. I don’t know or how to find anyone to do this and I’m trying not to look. I can’t get these feeling and thoughts out of my mind. I don’t want to be bad or feel like I deserved what I got. I know in my head it wasn’t my fault, but everywhere else it feels the other way.
During a very rocky period in our relationship, I had a one night stand with and ex. It will NEVER happen again with anyone but I am drowning in guilt.
Finally sticking up for my self and cutting my brother off. He has taken advantage of me emotionally and financially for years. He recently had to get his leg amputated because he didn’t take care of his health when he was advised to by doctors. Now he continues to feel sorry for himself and either blames the world for all his woes…. or he gets overly full of himself and arrogant. Especially forgetting that me and my husband saved his life these last 4 years while he was on the road to self destruction.
We got into a huge fight (unfortunately we had been drinking at the time) and I let him know for the first time in years how angry and hurt I was. (I’ve never had the guts before. I always felt so guilty to say such things). Granted I had every right to express myself, but I feel it wouldn’t have happened if I/we hadn’t been drinking. These issues needed to be brought to attention – I realize. However sad part is, I know I would have kept them inside forever. Almost as if the alcohol brought the courage I needed to voice myself. Aside from telling him how much he hurt me and how I felt he took advantage, I demanded he leave my house immediately. This was a planned few days for us to hangout. I have never voice myself to him like I recently did when I blew up…, even though other times we spent hanging out at my home we also drank alcohol.
It hurts me and I feel guilty, but I always feel guilty where he is concerned. I know I had valid issues, but I know I hurt him. He also said very hurtful things to me. I wish I could just let it be with the knowledge that yes maybe not the best way to confront my brother;however, the facts I stated were accurate. My delivery was bad I believe. I know apologizing would only undermine my standing up for myself and, a big part of me feels as though I don’t need to apologize. But, I can’t shake the guilt and anxiety this entire dilemma has caused me. It’s making my a wreck and I’m become dysfunctional over the guilt plaguing me.
Argh!