How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I messed things up with my sister inlaw and my neighbours now we all dont get along i am afraid to go outside how will i face them i want to move on and let go
Letting go of an old relationship and all the mistakes I made
I was a confident, bold and happy person. I joined college. I was far from my family in a place I was unfamiliar with. I fell for a guy who came from my country. He was initially my friend. I trusted him. He used to ask me to go and tell other girls that he liked them. I found this to be very cheap but I did it all the same. These girls wisely turned him down. I guess eventually he asked me to be his Gf. He called me and said he’ll kill himself since nobody loves him. I was 17. I believed him. Like an idiot I agreed to be his girlfriend. We did a lot of stuff together that I’m not proud of. But I was stubborn enough to not lose my virginity. And he eventually agreed not to press on the subject. I lived with him for some time. During all this time he would tell a sob-story of how he was not loved by his parents and how he couldn’t live without me. I actually believed him. There was this nagging doubt in my mind but I pushed it away trying to be a pious partner. He used to take a lot of my money for buying his clothes and his food. Foolishly I gave him my Debit card’s password also. Soon I realised a large sum of money was missing from my account. This is where my parnts stepped in. They came to know about the relationship and quickly and quietly took me away from that place. They supported me and forgave me. I enrolled for a new course and am back on track though I lost 2 years of my life. I’m a Christian and from a conservative background. I can’t forgive myself for all the pain I caused to my parents, for the years I lost. I used to love myself before, now I hate to look at myself. I study really hard and am the college topper, but even that attempt at redemption is not helping me heal. I worry that I’ll be alone in life because I can’t bring myself to marry any guy. I feel that I’ll be cheating on him if I don’t tell him the truth. And if whoever he is, comes to know of my past, will not forgive me or accept me as his wife(I’m from very orthodox and conservative background). I strongly believe this. I’ve tried being positive, tried to talk myself out of it. But I can’t. I’m stuck and the fears keep coming back. As a result I cannot love myself any more and have radically changed in character. I’ glad I could get this of my chest.