How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
My whole life I have been a pretty good girl. Good grades, never more than a slap on the hand worth of trouble. I even made it through my high school years as a virgin. Senior year I started drinking and eventually lost my virginity freshman year of college to a guy I had only known for a few days. Me and the guy started liking each other so I didnt feel as bad. But then another drunk night, a few months later I had sex with a guy who was a “friend”, I also had a relationship with him so I didnt feel so bad. Then it happened two other times. Everytime I hav had sex it was followed by no less than a month of shameful guilt. I dont believe that girls should go through “slutty college years” and I have always believed women value themselves as more than a night of pleasure, which is where the guilt stems from. I vow today to myself to never have casual sex again
I outright bullied someone I hold near and dear to my heart, a friend I consider a brother. I bullied him about the “problems” he has when it comes to interaction and communication. Instead of talking to him like a friend and working out the issues together in a calm and polite atmosphere, I belittled him, I emotionally blackmailed him by making threats to never speak to him again if he didn’t listen, and I made demands for him to change or get the fuck out of my life. I was not justified at all in the bullying I did. He is (perhaps was now, given everything) an important part of my life and I outright made him feel like shit over something that was small and could have been solved quickly, easily, and painlessly.
I cannot quite fully let go, as I need to make amends as best I can. He is giving me a second chance by temporarily blocking me on Skype until the wounds–for the most part–have healed. What I need to do now is better my character and personality, so I do not bully him or anyone else again for any reason. So that I am worthy of being his friend and his brother. But I am glad for this form and this article. It has helped me let go of the stress so I can focus on the betterment and the amends.
I came from a broken family so my mom had to raise us im the youngest so i was like every1 is looking for me..then i got bullied at school since i was young but never told any of my fam and i always pretend that it was nothing which was not a big deal at that time untill im in highschool it start to affect me but still never never told them instead i just prove my worth at school so ive to have good grades but ofcourse i cant do it all the time so i got depress but when im at home i always smile coz i just dont want to add burden on my mom or any of my fam .. So whats ive regreted is y i never really show the real me that even them never really know me that much that i myself cant even understand me also .. If im just not tht coward before ive never face this problem this late and what sucks is i cant control my emotion sometimes i know it affects my fam esp my mom that she says im becoming a stranger but i have to do it or ill explode.. And now im filing a change of name which s 1 of the reasons y i dont enjoy mylife my mom supports it but what i hate is i know she doesnt believe or understand why.. The thought of it makes me so guilty but i really wanna do it i been planning dis all my life.. Though, i know ill be facing big changes and itll affect my identity..