How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I let me best friend drive home drunk and in fact told her to leave my home. I was angry with her for yelling at ther daughter (12)and told her to get out of my house. She wasn’t talking tome me very much after that and later came to find out she was pulled over for a broken head light and then arrested for a DUI. and almost lost her daughter. I should never have let her leave, but I get sick of her drama and drunkness. My daughter has now lost a friend to. It’s my fault. My friend was mad becasue I knew about her headlight and from the weekend before and left a message telling her , but it never reached her. She hates me and blames me for everything and losing her job because of the DUI. Her niece died last week of cancer she was only 27 years old we are both 43 I can’t even go to the funeral! My friend never wants to speak to me again I’m so sorry and so hurt and hate myself for this. I ruined our friendship.
I love this man and he and I live In states fare away from each other. I am in his state for the summer and we have been in some contact since with each other since we met. I came to see him three times before summer. Since I have been in his state since middle of June we have talked and we just saw each other this past weekend. I came here to his state for him, so we could get to know each other, and see if we have a future together. To I sent him text that are not like me, expressing how he makes me feel when we are together in the bedroom. I know my text went to far as my personality isn’t like that at all. I’m one who never expresses myself In a text like I did. I told how he makes me feel and how he heats up my body, when we are together, and I went to far. I feel so sad and regret the words I sent him in my text. I was very excited and I was telling him my excitement in my text to him. I can’t say I’m sorry enough and I can’t turn back time or take the text back. I have told him I’m sorry, I called him and left a message, and text him and ask him to call me. I know I went to far with expressing to him how he makes me feel because after my text to express how he makes me feel. “He sent me a text and said enough with the messages”. I know that’s why I said to much and I’m not sure if he is upset with me. I just know he hasn’t txt me back or returned my call but its not been but two to three hours. I still feel so bad and I don’t know what else to do, to make it right? So that is what I’m trying to let go on this Monday July 7th. I care for this man, and I Love Him and what to share his life with him. I just pray I haven’t messed up and hope he will call me.
I suffer from rapid cycling bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder and I take meds to control a lot of impulsive behaviour and unsafe types of actions. Recently my lithium went toxic, then below normal, now it is high again. Meanwhile I developed hypothyroidism and pericarditis. All of this in under 30 days. I got really drunk one night at my friends house and wound up taking my friends youger cousin home with me. He is 26 and I am 42. And we had a one night stand. I am not seeing him again or staying friends with that girl because they live together. AWKWARD
But the worst part of it is that I have a 10 year long term relationship with a guy. He knows I went with two other guys previously because I broke up with him first and he cobsidered tgat cheating on him and he never ket me forget it for years afterwards.
In tge last 10-12 years I slept with 3 other guys that he doesb’t know about including this last guy.
I have also suddenly fell ill with pericarditis and fluctuating lithium leveks and hypothyroidism. If I tell him, he will end it right away. But I wonder if I will successfully heal living on top of all these hurtful lies.
Signed
Guilt Ridden Heart