How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
Let’s keep in touch! Sign up to receive our newsletter:
Anthony Centore
I recently got a job in a pharmacy and they’re working me very hard and at a fast pace and the other day when I was putting the checked prescriptions into the hangings bags that wait to be picked up and my boss told me the next day that I had given a women all of her usual prescriptions, plus one of someone else’s and that the women noticed immediately, didn’t take any of the medication and is a regular and was very cool about it. When the pharmacist counted the pills in the returned bottle the bottle was 5 pills off, 2 horrible mistakes in 1 situation. I’m having a hard time forgiving myself for having made such a horrible mistake and so early on in my training. It was embarrassing and dealing with the guilt is hard, no one was hurt but the potential of what could’ve happened is the hardest part.
I still love my ex, we’ve been together for 4 1/2 years and we had our ups and downs frequently . I met him in college when I was 20 and he was 21 yrs. After he lost his job , I was the one supporting him and now I resent myself for having to take care of him because he is an adult and he’s not helpless to find work again. But having to support him , the love I gave him ,I never got in return. I knew he was the Emotionally Unavailable guy . He used verbal abuse on me and is destructive in his mind. He smokes weed because he has an over active mind medical issue and I hated it every time. When he was with me and I don’t use drugs. In the years we been together, he couldn’t really find a stable job and I had a stable job. he was jobless since we were together. We had trusting issues and I use to hate him for trying to make me feel jealous if I didn’t help support him because he was living at home while I was supporting him. At one point he needed to pay his mom rent. He told me he had a dream to become a UFC fighter. When we first met, he was beginning his trainings And etc . But after awhile since he had no money to train He wanted me to helped him $710 to get on track. I felt good making his dream come true and at the same time, I knew I needed that money for my own financial reasons. Anyways, he broke up with me and said I was the one who ruined everything in our relationship. I never once met his mom or dad personally informally. They’re divorced. And he’s an only child but now has a 5 yr old sister . Anyways, I guessed I should’ve helped him more ????but I knew I had to do the right thing to not help him anymore. He recently got a DUI and went to jail for the night. And he made his life worse. Lost his license for 3 months and I had to drive him around. He’s told me he has love me and yet at times i still felt he had brought his past relationship to our future. I had threaten him once because he says he would leave me for another girl if I didn’t help support him and he would ask for my checks every time I have got paid. :[. He says he didn’t force me to help him and at one point I only wanted to support him for a little but turned into our whole 4 years together. I told him I admitted of cheating on him during out college days but that was only because he was always emotionally unavailable to me and I thought he was my boyfriend.Anyways I’m done.
I want to let go : of all the money I had spent on him and supported him for and all the wrong things I know I shouldn’t have done for him. But yet still , I put his needs before over mine.
I’m so sorry that I’ve hurt your feelings.