How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
Regrets slapping teen daughter more than once for lying
I broke up with my girlfriend over a year ago. We dated for over 2 1/2 years. She was great. Beautiful, funny, probably would have married me if I asked but my heart wasn’t at that point. I care for her but I had a wandering eye and wanted to be single. I know if I didn’t break up I would do it eventually or else live a dsyfunctional life. But I have such guilt because I took her for granted I slept with a few (2) girls when we dated and I always took her love and affection for granted. And when I broke up with her she was ice cold and firm about it which also made me feel
Guilty that my narassistic behavior wanted her to want me still and can handle her moving on. Which she has with a new boyfriend anyway my Brain is all wonky because of it and I want to tell her everything and say sorry but I only see that causing her more pain for bringin up the past
I want to let go of the guilt and shame I feel that I realize now is causing me a lot of worry. I recently moved back home with my parent and family after being away for seven years to give birth to my daughter and to create a healthy and stable environment for us to live in. A few months after giving birth I had an argument with my mom and she revealed so much hurt and anger to me and I expressed the same and since then I have had terrible thoughts about dying and what would happen to my daughter if I left her. My particular fear is dying of cancer even though I know I don’t have it. What makes me worried about this is that so many people I love have battled with cancer and I think all the stress from being a single mom healing from a really bad relationship with my daughter’s father, on top of sleep deprivation, on top of the fact that I’m living at home with my family is adding to the stress.
I initiated the argument with my mom because for as long as I can remember she has always treated me so bad. She was always yelling at me, scolding me, putting me down and I brought it up to her just to hear her say she never realized she was acting this way because she was too busy working to support me and my brothers. That hit me hard because I’ve been carrying this broken heart with me which has affected all of my relationships with men. And my dad wasn’t really there for me either growing up. If I asked questions they would tell me to stop talking. I grew up being a martyr trying my hardest to please everyone yet secretly expecting them to love me in return which always backfired. I didn’t realize I was doing this until my daughter’s father ended our engagement and I took that opportunity to heal my life. My mom, bless her heart, I think took out her anger on me because my dad cheated on her and I was the product of the affair. My parents took me in but I have always felt like the black sheep. In our house there was no love. My parents were always working and thankfully we always had a roof, hot showers and food. But no love. I can see they were doing the best they could then. But being back home, things seem to be the same. Everything gets swept under the rug. Now that I’m learning to love and forgive, and being true to myself, it’s taking a lot of prayer to realize that change starts with me. I don’t want to hurt anyone anymore. I don’t want karma to get back at me for my past mistakes that happened when I didn’t know better. My parents deal with a lot as is so if anything every happened to me, I feel guilty that they’d have to care for my daughter. Unfortunately even though I love and forgive my daughter’s father for what he has done to me in the past, I can’t trust him because he battles with his own problems and addictions and caring for a child may make his problems worse. First I felt guilty for even being born, but I’m so happy I was because now I have a daughter who I absolutely love and adore. Then I think if my parents hadn’t treated me so bad maybe I wouldn’t love my girl as much as I do now. I used to be so hard on myself. I put my body through anorexia and bulimia and diet pills and extreme exercising and then I messed with drugs and alcohol and one day I cried to God for help and soon after found out I was pregnant. Since then it’s been just over a year of my healing journey. Now that I’m home I feel guilty for using my family’s help because in my argument with my mom she stated that she feels I’m using her and my family but I replied that they offered over and over for me and my girl to move in and told me not to worry about working or a car or anything and I asked her what do you want from me to help you feel that I’m not using you and there was no reply. I took this all in and boom the cancer thoughts started. I want to let go of my past and be the best person I can be and be present and giving yet not as a martyr but as me, the beautiful strong healthy woman I am now. I am no longer beating myself up like I did before. I take vitamins, I eat healthy, I indulge too, I exercise, I listen to my body and it tells me when to slow down, when to rest, when to juice, when to eat a cookie, when to drink more water, and mostly I’m learning to love myself. Yet the thoughts are there. I’m trying to be more mindful and in the moment and mostly grateful for everything and everyone. I love my family. I also learned I’m an empath so I’m also learning to care for my energy better and create boundaries. It’s hard when my parents and family are sensitive to my behavior and I’m constantly having to explain myself or not then they take things personal and all this passive aggressiveness gets pushed around. It’s tough. I don’t want to push any more buttons. I don’t want to feel guilty anymore. I want to take responsibility for my life and actions and just live and love. Having a daughter made me realize how short life is but how so much can be done. There’s so much beauty around us all. There’s so much good happening in the world. Thank you for letting me vent.