How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I feel like the most horrible, inconsiderate, immature, selfish bitch on the planet. I have betrayed the love of my life. He is the one person in my life, besides my parents, who have loved me unconditionally. He would do anything for me and I have done something that would confuse and hurt him badly. I feel so bad about myself that it’s hard to even type it.
He has been having a lot of issues with his ex-wife and daughter. I think they are both jealous of me and the time he spends with me. The anger has been building up in me for a long time and last week I snapped and did something I regret. I typed and mailed an anonymous letter to his ex saying that he puts me first now and to let him move on with his life. I made it seem like I was a friend of hers just giving her some advise. I said so many things that I regret. So many things that would hurt him. She told him about the letter and accused him and myself of writing it. He will see it this weekend and I’m afraid he will know it was me who wrote it. I have been denying it to him and he has been defending us both to her. It’s so hard for me to lie to him. Part of me wants to tell him the truth but I don’t want to lose his trust or risk him leaving me.
I feel like such a piece of crap. I don’t know what I was even thinking or what I wanted out of this when I mailed that letter. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t want to make the situation worse. But that is exactly what I’ve done.
All of these selfish emotions seemed to take over and I wasn’t thinking clearly. I don’t know if I should confess to him even though this could ruin our relationship or just live with the guilt and try to make it right. Most of all, I don’t want to hurt him.
I’m old enough to know better and should not be jealous of a 13 year old girl who wants to be with her dad. I honestly don’t think I’ve been so ashamed in my life. I have been praying for forgiveness but I don’t think I deserve it. I hope this will all work out for the best.
I lied a lot about three years ago. Terrible, horrible, awful lies. Most of them were after drinking heavily. Since then I have gotten myself together, been very kind to everyone around me, and made my life into something to be proud of. I have a lot going for me now but I can’t help thinking that any moment i’m going to be found out (even though its been three years). Whenever something good happens to me, I instantly get this feeling that I don’t deserve good things or happiness. I find myself not being able to move on whatsoever. I constantly have a heavy feeling in my heart. I’ve gone out of my way to do good things yet I cannot stop hurting myself every day. Also, I feel as though I cannot complain about anyones treatment of me since I am such a terrible person. Not being able to forgive myself is affecting my mental state, my relationships with people (since sometimes I feel so guilty that I don’t want to face them), and my sense of self worth. I know I’ve done good things too but I can’t seem to let it go. I know that what I did was horrible and I have stopped lying completely but I know I was in a terrible place back then and honestly it doesn’t even feel like I was the same person. Can I let this go? Are there any strategies to let it go? I just want to be kind to people and find happiness. Thanks.
And thanks to everyone else who shared something! I believe that you are all deserving of forgiveness! Also, sometimes it feels as though i’m the only one who is walking around with all of this guilt and shame! So it’s nice to know that there are other people who are seeking forgiveness from themselves and trying to better themselves!
I broke up with my boyfriend and a couple months later I slept with a guy that I didn’t even really want to. He kept telling me over and over again to take plan B because it was unprotected. I’m pro life and didn’t want to. He yelled at me and was going crazy so I took it. I want it out of me. And my ex boyfriend is the only person who cares for me. And I feel like I am not worthy to say I still love him. I’m border line wanting to just end it. I’ve never had thoughts like this. It might be the plan b. I just feel so ashamed and worthless. I want to let it go right now.