How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
ok here we go..i fucked up and messed up with my relationship. I’ve been with him for a year as a couple but we’ve known each other for years. He was there when i used to be with my ex boyfriend the one before him. No one liked my ex boyfriend. He is a player and he even play around in front of me. I never done anything intimate with him but we did kiss only. then i left him for someone better. someone who was serious and truly love me. in the beginning of our relationship, i treated him like shit because im scared to get hurt all over again. i used to not really hanged out with him instead i hanged out with my ex and other friends as a friend only. 5 months later, we fought and he asked me to completely stop talking to my ex and his group and i did stop. He even asked me to remove all of my guy friends as he doesnt want any guy to flirt with me and i did remove them from all my contacts and life. Before we were together, he used to be one of my best friends and i shared a lot of things to him and i never expected him to be my boyfriend. after we becoming a couple, we shared lot of past stories together and he knew exactly the story behind my past. What happened was, he used all my past against me. I only shared my past stories with him because i think he is the one for me. He called me a bitch for being with a player like my ex boyfriend before him. I didnt expect him to use my past against me and end up breaking our relation. his excuse for breaking our relation was i dont deserve a good guy like him, i dont deserve to be treated good, i only love guy who only used me n treated me like shit. and one of the reason tht he can never be with me because he felt disgusting that i used to kiss a player. I really dont understand him. another reasons was because he said im stubborn enough and always do things that he said dont do. i dont like anybody to control me first of all. if i did something wrong, there is no harm to tell me that what i did was wrong instead of ordering and controlling me. To be honest, me myself i dont know why i treated him like shit but i just dont really trust guy when they said they truly love me. so in beginning i admit that it was my mistake as i took precaution for myself. i didnt expect that he could giving up easily as he told me that he truly love me. When a girl got hurt so much, she took time to heal from the pain but he never understand me. he only keep blaming me for having such a horrible past with bad people around me. I tried to convince him by telling sorry and i wont repeat the same shit again but he said i will never change when i did change for him. I really want this relationship again and hope to not fuck things up again. But he refused and asking me to move on. sometimes he told me that he do love me still but not in that way anymore and sometimes he said he hates me so much everytime he remembered what i did to him which can never be accepted. he said i dont deserve his forgiveness. I dont know how else to tell him but i really love him with all my heart and wish we can be together again.
Ok i have messed up a few times with my new girlfriend blacking out and remembering but i go crazy and call her on everything. i am currently umployments and in a different country where i haven’t had a job in months i am feeling the press of not feeling like a man not earning money and just watching my life go by every time i touch a drink the worst has come out and i am sick of it. This girl has support while i went through my umployments in another country. I don’t understand why i am doing this i really like this women but she is very clever and educated and has said why should i give you another chance so you can do it again. We talk about it and i said i would show her i. We talk a couple of days face to face after the fight. I stay at her house that night we ended up having sex and the next day she cooked me breakfast and then i walked her to walk kissed. she message me that night after work to say goodnight and today she has not txt i haven’t txt her because i feel like i don’t want to put any expections. I’m lost for words how i feel please give me something. Is she getting ready to let me down easily. Someone who has lost their trust in others would still have sex with them or i’m not sure thats what confusing.
I want to let go all king about peoples weaknesses and downfalls it lets me know how horribly broken I really am