How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I want to let go all of the hurt and pain that was done to me, and the pain that I have done to others. Lord please forgive me for what I did today to the man next to me, I should have acted more maturely, and the stress is killing me inside and out. Please forgive me for talking about peoples weaknesses and downfalls it lets me know how horribly broken I really am
I dated a girl for three years, off and on at my college at Georgia Southern University in Statesboro, GA. She wanted a serious relationship but I didn’t. She foolishly hung around for three years. I left her before she left for the Peace Corps, and begged her back. She obliged me. Soon thereafter, I cheated and she accepted me but never forgave me. We tried for three more months but we couldn’t get over our indiscretions; mostly me. So I cut her loose.
It’s been 7 months and not a single hour has gone by where I don’t relive the past, or fantasize about her. I’ve grown cold, apathetic, and bitter. Very bitter. I found the love of my life, and ended up losing her, and as of consequence, she has learned to let go. She’s happy, now, with a bright and fantastic future. Surely, she’ll go with the motions of life: working, traveling, laughing, and finding someone to experience all of life’s pleasures. Good for her.
I failed to see what that woman meant to me, and now all I have are a pack of smokes and the memory of her.
Paloma negra, te falle y mi corazon siempre estara herido. I’ll never stop loving you, that I know, but I must learn to live without you so I can attain the level of happiness you’re currently living.
Paloma negra, paloma negra, donde, donde andaras?
I had a friend online who never told me their address.I spoke to them trying to persuade them to go for help with suicidal thoughts.They had these thoughts for many years before I knew them.I said that I understood what it must feel like to be down as if even if they had won the lottery or slept with a porn star that they still wouldn’t feel happy.I said it to make them aware that I understood but I think it might have had a bad effect and was a trigger. Lots of people knew he had these thoughts.I regret deeply to my very core that I didn’t contact his mother and make her aware of these feelings he had. I should have not let him silence me and made it understood that I would get his home number and contact her. I have become house bound for nearly six years and panic attacks ,seeing no one because of this.He was such a wonderful person and I am so sorry that he died.