How to Forgive Yourself?
Let it go. Forget about it. Move on.
Forgive yourself. It’s easy to say, but so much harder to actually do! We all mess up sometimes, whether it’s lashing out at a friend, engaging in a self-destructive behavior or cutting corners at work.
And with those mistakes often come overwhelming feelings of guilt. Shame. Self-condemnation. Humiliation.
Counselors and life coaches have found that these emotions can lead to stress, depression, anxiety disorders and even heart disease, if ignored.[1] Not exactly the formula for a happy life!
Forgive. We’ve all heard the word before, but what does it mean? And why is it so important?
Dr. Frederic Luskin at Stanford University reports that “learning to forgive helps people hurt less, experience less anger, feel less stress and suffer less depression. People who learn to forgive report significantly fewer symptoms of stress such as backache, muscle tension, dizziness, headaches and upset stomachs. In addition people report improvements in appetite, sleep patterns, energy and general well being.”[2]
If self-forgiveness is such a good thing, why is it so hard?
Too often, we punish ourselves for past mistakes, as if we could somehow “make up” the wrong that we’ve done. We walk through each day feeling less-than. We call ourselves losers. No good. We live chained to our past, holding on to hurts and grudges. And though no one else may know about our secret pain, the negative emotions we feel gnaw away at our joy and satisfaction in life.
Counselors and life coaches report that the hardest person to forgive is yourself. Not the friend who backstabbed you. Or the dad that wasn’t there for you. Or even the ex who broke your heart.
Why? Because you know yourself and you live with yourself every day. Go figure.
If you feel stuck in the rut of your past failures, try these tips for embracing forgiveness.
1. Talk about it.
When it comes to the past, silence can be deadly. So stop pretending. Free yourself from the bondage of holding it all in. Talk about what’s tearing you apart inside. Express the emotions you feel to a counselor, mentor, or friend you can trust. Forgiveness starts with being honest and vulnerable about who you are…the good and the bad. So say what you need to say.
2. Be honest with yourself.
“If I just pretend it never happened, maybe it will all go away,” we tend to think. Sounds nice…but not true. Choose to break out of denial. Be honest about how you’ve messed up and the consequences of your behavior. Journal out the specific behaviors and actions that are causing you angst.
3. Accept it for what it is.
As an imperfect person, you will make mistakes in life. Face it. You will hurt people sometimes. Youwill have regrets. It’s part of living in a less-than-perfect world. But you have a choice.
Either your past will keep you in a rut of guilt and shame…or you will accept it for what it is and experience the freedom to move on and enjoy the now. Self-acceptance is critical to your emotional health, so don’t miss out!
4. Let go.
Don’t hold on to guilt. You don’t need to justify your past actions or try to prove yourself. Letting go of the past means burying it and giving up your right to engage in self-condemnation. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a process. It’s choosing to stop hating yourself and cutting yourself down, but instead, seeing yourself as a valuable human being.
One of the first steps of letting go, is to just get it out there. Please feel free to use the form below to let it go, or apologize for something that has been on your chest for years.
You can use an anonymous name (and the email will NEVER be shown). Your post will be added to the wall below.
It’s okay. You can let go.
Develop realistic expectations.
Evaluate the expectations you (and others) set for you. Are they healthy? Or unrealistic? If you find yourself never being able to measure up—no matter how hard you try—you may just need to change a few things in your approach to life. Healthy expectations are achievable and fulfilling, not draining and overwhelming.
Forgiving yourself is tough. It means striking a deal with yourself …
- to let the past be past and live in the present
- to stop beating yourself up about something that happened two or five or ten years ago
- to banish guilt and shame from controlling your thoughts and behaviors
- to accept and respect yourself as you are…in spite of your screw-ups
Counselors and life coaches tell us that “to forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.”[3]
Tired of living as a prisoner? Click below to download our free forgiveness ebook.
Notes:
[1]Dr. Frederick Luskin, Research from Standford University, learningtoforgive.com/ [2]Ibid. [3]Lewis B. Smedes
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Anthony Centore
I’ve been struggling with forgiveness for a long time now. The bitterness and resentment I felt toward the person who hurt me was physically making me sick and turning me into a person nobody wanted to be around. The more I read the bible and pray, the more I understand that letting go is what God requires of me. I was actually listening to a discussion about forgiveness before I posted this. I’m attaching the link below and I hope it is a blessing to someone out there who is struggling with forgiveness as well. God Bless You!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXlx2K-8O5Q&feature=relmfu
the same thing happened i bitched about him to other people and he doesn’t know but the guilty is just like killing me from inside i truly understand and frankly to tell you we just have to bury it and move on and I’m 14 now i just hate bickering and talking on the same things i need some peace
I talked s* behind an old friends back. Just because I was mad because it felt like she gave up on our friendship so easily. She told me something in private and i exaggerated it and told like 3 friends I barely know and 2 close friends. Word got out and she got mad and texted me very angrily. I called and apologized, then I also texted her an apology but since i’m such an empath it still hurts to think about. I learned from it but it still hurts.
I am consumed by guilt and shame about the things I’ve done in the last 8 years. I’m only 26 but since the age of 18 I’ve made mistake after mistake. I’ve done things I never thought I’d do, and they plague me to the day. The things I’ve done have primarily been done to myself. I’ve hurt myself so much an traumatized myself in the last few years.
My drinking lead to me getting beaten up at 19 and having my jaw broken. This has left me with numbness in the side of my face… A reminder for the rest of my life of my mistakes. I’ve fallen and broken my arm needing surgery. I’ve failed at everything I do. Dropped out of college, left the military on less than ideal terms. Lost jobs.. failure after failure.
It feels like in these few short years I’ve destroyed my life. I had such potential and I’ve thrown it all away.
I’m isolated and lonely. In the past I’ve turned to drugs to just forget. I just can’t stand being in my own skin and I want to leave sometimes.
I wish there was an antidote. I wish I could reverse time and just make different decisions. I’m plagued by regrets that make it impossible to go forward. I feel like I’m stuck in my trauma and I never truly left that place.
I have no idea what I should do. I’m lost and suffering so much. I wish someone could tell me what I should do.
I feel that life’s bad now and it’s only going to get worse. The few people in my life now are getting old and I will be left alone with these feelings. My life is a nightmare.
Patrick.
We’re so sorry to read what you’re going through. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, or thinking about hurting yourself or others, please seek immediate help. Call 911, go to your closest emergency room, or call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. You can also visit their website at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org. This national network of local crisis centers provides free support, and someone is always available to talk.
You can also find a list of other helpful resources here, such as the Crisis Text Line, National Domestic Violence Hotline, and more. Remember, life can get better with the right help. https://twx.atlantacounseling.com/immediate-help/
Hey Patrick
I’m twice your age and did loads of bad stuff which i regret in my younger years and still beat myself about them on the odd occasion.
However I learned from them eventually and now a much better person. I don’t know of anyone who hasn’t done bad things but a lot choose to forget what they have done and focus on others mistakes. Cut down on booze and try to avoid drugs they sooner or later put you on a downer. Trust me i know ….
Take care of yourself. Live by your future not by your past.
I to am 26 years of age and feel that I’m constantly messing up. The thing is I hate alcohol but I still get black out drunk to the point I don’t remember what I have done even a year later, I don’t remember. This weekend I messed up big time and don’t know how to deal with it, I wish I could run away or talk to someone but I’m so embarrassed by my own actions (nobody else’s fault) and I don’t want to leave my house because of it. I understand completely where it is your coming from but I want you to know that your not on your own with this. We all mess up and make mistakes it’s just learning how to forgive yourself and make better choices. I to will try and find self forgiveness.
I feel waves of shame about some of the things I did when I was younger. Nothing to hurt other people just myself but things that make me cringe and embarrassed. I feel like if I let go of these feelings of guilt and shame I will make the same mistakes again, as if I’m using guilt and shame to regulate my behaviour now and if I let go of the shame and guilt I will revert back to my old self
Something happened to me about three days ago.I was at the party and i had so much alcohol that i even threw up. I am not remembering anything but my friend said that i had kissed three guys and also had tried to kiss two others. I am feeling so embarrassed because this was the first time that i did such thing.I am very shy and unavailable when it comes to boys(i had my first kiss at 18, and i am 19). I can’t stop thinking about people who witnessed it(maybe they think i am a slut and people will start talking). I apologised to the guys and they said it’s fine (they understand that i was too drunk, but that doesn’t justify my actions). If my friend wasn’t there maybe i would slept with someone (not the best way to lose your virginity) I don’t want anyone to pity or talk bad about me.Also, i am not an alcoholic this was the first i drunk so much.I’ m trying to think positive but i always try to be example and to do the best and now i feel like everything collapsed and that i am bad person.
P.S. sorry for my grammar(English is not my first language)
Patrick l just want to give you a cuddle and tell you you are a lovely person. I feel your pain through your words. Your life is precious.
Insead of beating yourself up for all your past regrets put your arms around yourself and tell yourself you are going to love yourself starting from today. Take no notice of the nasty voices in your head and accept any lapses you will inevitably have. Im thinking of you and sending my love to you. June xxx
Doesn’t sound like your true feelings. Sounds like other people’s perceptions of how you feel. Maybe you were set up to fail on purpose so people would say you must feel like a failure! Did they ask you first? Maybe you were set up to feel isolated and lonely on purpose so you could be told you must feel lonely? Why do you feel regret? Because your purpose was stolen? Did you see all your mistakes? If you didn’t other people will see them for you and you might feel mocked but not know what for. Make more mistakes!!! Keep making mistake after mistake until there’s no more to make! Be proud of them all knowing you consciously CHOOSE them on purpose! Talk about them all while laughing hysterically at yourself before anyone else has the chance! BRAG about your mistakes like you are proud not ashamed! Nightmares are the same as dreams created by your imagination. A drug induced coma without needing actual drugs. Can I please help you now? I forgive so It’s my turn coach!
Hey Patrick. I’m here if you ever need to talk. I have a similar story.
I feel like I’m worthy for nothing no one wants me even everyone makes fun of me I don’t know what is my tomorrow because this feeling is killing me inside and I find no solution to it
You are valuable because you are you. I am a stranger but your words touched my heart – and I am sure you are able to instill much more in people who know you.
We all get laughed at and made fun of at times. Those doing so are usually not worth your time and energy anyway.
Choose to spend your time with those who see your value.
“Knowing that you were not redeemed with corruptible things, like silver or gold … but with the precious blood of Christ” (1 Peter 1:18, 19).
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope” (Jeremiah 29:11). God’s thoughts toward you are wonderful, and He has great plans for your life!
“Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with lovingkindness I have drawn you” (Jeremiah 31:3). His love for you is relentless, immeasurable, and infinite.
Hi Patrick, My name is Jane. I read your letter and I hear your feeling defeat, I am now 70, Once, I was 26, To start, I want to se?tell you that time truly doers heal…if we allow that. Can you. believe in the future and in the unknown? Are you curious as to how your life will go? Don’t be afraid my friend, talk to your pain, talk to what you feel guilt and shame about. What is the response? Take it easy ,my friend
I abandoned several people. I never learned from my mistake s. Every day i regret leaving them and hurting them. They were the best most happiest times of my life. Why did I run? I leave a trail of pain wherever I go. It has been 22 years, 15 years, 9 years. I still can’t forgive myself.
i abandoned my dad when he needed me the most before he died for a job and a marriage that were not worth the time i lost which I could have spent with him and both of which i quit . i regret it every single day and the guilt is paralyzing. im trying really hard to forgive myself. I am not justifying anything but I made huge changes in my life and continue to do so .. i still dont know if i can ever forgive myself completely. i try to forgive myself thinking he would want me to be happy. he was so proud of me, he was my friend and confidant and all i did was take him for granted until he got sick and died.
We tend to hurt the ones we love – not purposefully, but we do.
Have you ever reached out and apologized – sincerely apologized to those you have left ?? I think that is a HUGE step in the healing process.
After apologizing, it is time to forgive yourself. Not one of us on this earth is without fault and mistakes. It is what we do AFTER our mistakes that matter. We can’t change the past – but to move forward we have to accept our mistakes – learn from them and move on.
And to PR who responded below: – you didn’t have a crystal ball to know that your marriage or your job were not going to be life lasting !!! And just because neither lasted did not mean they were not important at the time.
I am sure your father would want you to forgive yourself. He is surrounded by love and wisdom and knowledge that we can’t even BEGIN to understand here on earth. I am sure he completely understands why you did what you did at the time.
Trust me when I say he IS watching over you – so perhaps in your case – you can find a quiet place and talk to your Dad. Apologize and tell him how much you love him. BELIEVE me – he CAN hear you !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Can you forgive yourself NOW seeing me in pain? Remember my face when I started over again? All that energy & hope for the future again? Just a false reality haha! “Preemptive Strike!” You didn’t have to I was off in another direction!
Hi, I abandoned my own aged father who wanted to live with me and be cared for. I took him in and then sent him to live alone in his apartment in India. I just never wanted to see him again, but I visited him after a while. He was lonely and never said a word against me and the hurt I imposed on him. He passed away alone. Looking back I do not know why I hurt him so badly. I loved my father and was willing to care until I decided I will not. It was an impulsive decision made rashly and I regret it to this day. I have been asking for forgiveness. I cannot go back and change anything. But I hope my sadness and misery will end. If not, I am not sure if I can even live with the guilt of being a horrible son.
My father hated me and now my son does. I regret going out for a few hours once a week and leaving him and his sister alone when they were about 10. Nothing ever happened and i dont think thats why my son hates me but it still kills me that i did that. I tried to talk to him and apologize but he wants nothing to do with me except to send him money. He is so cruel. It hurts so much
Ive been dating a wonderful lady for nine months now. When we started dating, i was a broken man. I had been destroyed by my last breakup as it was my first love. Then the very person that broke up with me acted as if nothing ever happened and tried being friends with me. The blind fool that i was didnt see anything wrong with it. I just thought everything was fine and dandy. Months later i would find out how broken of a relationship i was in. A couple weeks after my break up i met this amazing woman. She saw what was wrong with me and helped me. She made me happy. But still, my ex was like a leech that sucked all good thoughts from me. I was brainwashed. I did anything for the very person that broke me. I was being slowly put back together by to different people that have different instruction books. Skip forward a couple weeks, I’m now dating her, the new amazing wonderful, beautiful person. However i was still being leeched. My mind didn’t click. I was jappier than ever… but was still being manipulated like a puppet. A month into dating… i made a mistake. I was messaging my ex and… dirty comments were sent to eachother. Present me i look back at it and i do not have a reason for why i did it. Guilt has been killing me since. My wonderful baby girl. I back stabbed you. And you dont even know. I do love you. And I’m a changed man now. And i would never do it again. Ever. I will tell you. I’ll tell you because you need to know. You need to know that theman you love did this to you. If you leave…
Then thats my fault. And I’ll deserve it.
If you let me redeem myself… I’ll show you the heavens on Earth. Ill make sure you live a life equal to royalty.
I do truly love you. And i was a blind man who lost his touch. But my eyes have been fixed and i can now feel again. I love you baby. And from the bottom of my heart… I’m sorry.
My guilt is the same and the shame remains. I have never been able to keep a job and im 56 years old now. I didnt provide a stable life for my children or work for a living. I have always depended on “the system” i just havent been able to feel accepted by others in the work place, my self loathing has all but destroyed me. I did earn a Masters degree, but still unemployed. I grieve over the lost time and ability to perform in a work environment. My children have failed to thrive and abused drugs. I feel their childhood is part of the blame. May God have mercy on me for my extreme shortcomings and may i contribute somehow, someway, someday to the glory of God in Jesus name amen. God forgive me.
I screwed up at work, big time! I was supposed to hand my clients cash for an incentive for part of our program. Instead, I mailed it to them, after being told not to, so that I wouldn’t have to drive there and make appointments with them. Then, because I had already told my boss that I would bring the clients the cash, I drove to each of their houses anyways, but didn’t actually see them. I just pretended that I had. Now, I’m worried that if the envelopes come back to the office, the whole thing will be found out, and I’ll get fired for being dishonest! It’s all so much guilt and fear and shame. I’m so scared and worried and fearful! I promised God that if each of the clients gets their envelopes and nothing else comes of this, that I would do everything by the book from now on!
Ever since I can remember I’ve been a Liar. I wanted to fit in. From lying about accomplishments in School. Hobbies, and everything. I lied to friends, Family and my online Family.
I used a lie to move across the world in 2012, and I was 18. Young. Dumb and Naive. I was living with roommates and after a break in I fled back overseas. From there they spread lies about me, and emotionally scarred me. I’m not saying I was innocent either. I lied. I lied a lot..
This pattern repeated years later on Facebook. I made up that I had my life together. I had three fake accounts. A friend. A sister and a GF. I eventually “killed off” the fiancé with cancer..and I don’t understand why I lied to the point it got too.
When everything fell apart, long story short. I lost a friend who I hurt with lies and what they saw as Manipulation and pathological lying.
Since then this has been on my mind almost every day. I’ve been wanting to change as a person. I don’t wanna be the person I’ve been for almost 10 years now..
Thank you
I wants to let go but not give up on this current break up the with who im still in love with wont take me back due to my bad behavior of tell small white lies never cheated never physically hurt her
In Levey Middle School, I got in altercation with an my friend and I say “fuck my mom and than I say “fuck my dad” and then my friend say that’s really stupid and I was in the 7th grade and I was actually going to a phase at the time.
And it was an accident I didn’t mean to say that and If there’s one thing that I would like and should’ve done is to tell my parents about school instead of just keeping it to myself after all these years.
I was physically abusive to my deceased partner. He was an alcoholic & life was very hard with him. I was also trying to raise my daughter from a previous relationship. I feel like a very bad person. My daughter is now a heroin addict & I feel it’s all my fault.
It happens, physical and emotional abuse from a deceased addicted person. It was the disease you were angry with, not the person. I did the same thing. Even though I was attending Alanon, it was still hard for me to separate the disease from the person. I don’t think you meant to be harmful — it was the disease the effects of the addiction on their lives. They were slowly dying and you wanted them to change. Someone once told me that In God’s Mercy, God will call back home those who suffer from the grip the devil has on a person. (something like that). That helped me allot when I realized it was time for my only daughter to go back with God. She had enough of the pain of the addiction that I was so angry with and so wanted to stop You are not a bad person, you did the best you could with what you had in the moment. I also blamed myself for my granddaughters mental issues, whom I raised for a year when my daughter past away. Addiction is cunning, and baffling. You didn’t cause your daughter’s, you can control it and you can’t cure it. Just like I couldn’t control my granddaughter’s issues. Remind yourself everyday. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. It’s not about fault, it’s about loving the person your daughter is despite the addiction. Learning to Love and not enable is something you can do attending Naranon — we cannot do it alone. Hope this helps
Maybe her “addiction” allowed you to evade any and all responsibility in your own mind? Maybe it was a long family history of addiction that you enabled for some but labeled an incurable flaw in others! Even though you describe blaming yourself, you couldn’t seem to describe in very much detail your inner blame & feelings as well as you described your daughter’s. That’s a sign of deception and cunning in itself to reiterate ITS NOT YOUR FAULT when the root cause of her “addiction” was ALL YOUR FAULT! Maybe just a well kept family secret! We’re you the only Non-Addict in your family?So many close flawed family members, how did you ever manage to keep yourself soberly & mentally above them all! Especially over your own daughter usually it is the other way around! Interesting!
My boyfriend and I took a break with hopes of getting back together in the future, but not knowing when that would happen. While we were apart, I tried to solve my problems with partying and drinking which led to casual hook ups (even though I still wanted him). When we got back together, he told me he had not been with other people and wanted me to tell him everything that I had done. I felt so guilty and didn’t want to tell and hurt him. He made me feel like I needed to, so I only told him the partial truth. He would ask me if there was anything else and I continuously lied to him and promised there wasn’t. Soon he found out more but forgave me and we tried to move forward. We were in a perfect state after he forgave me, but then he found out more things I had done/ lied about months later. He now sees me as a pathological liar. I didn’t want to lie to him and keep things from him, but I just didn’t want to hurt him with that information. I didn’t feel like it was necessary information to start a new relationship on. I know I shouldn’t have lied to him, because I just hurt him more by lying that whole time. I have so much regret because I hurt the person that means the most with me. Our whole relationship is affected now because of me, and so is he as a person. I don’t know how to build back trust again after this or move forward.
I stole a gram of weed, not thinking at the time that it was a big deal… I kept making justifications in my head… but, even if my intentions weren’t to deceive her, that’s how it came off and now I lost my best friend. She won’t forgive me. How do I do that for myself?
I shame myself so much, I can’t take it anymore. I want to feel loved, and I’m such an ungrateful and ignorant b*. I always have been, and I’m so so sorry!! How can I be better?? Please tell me!! I need answers
Take baby steps and start by acknowledging what you believe you did in the past was wrong. Start to put yourself into other people’s position before you judge them. Before you open your mouth next time, just stop yourself and think for a moment of the hurt you may cause rather than criticise. People normally treat us based on the way we act, so you will see results when they start to flock around you with an aura of happiness when they communicate with you.
It’s very hard to change over night but if you try and stick to this regime you’ll see results, and don’t be dissuaded if you trip up along the way, as training ourselves take time. But as the memo above says, you need to forgive yourself first and let the past move on.
Good luck
Actually what you described as needing to put yourself in somebody else’s position, wouldn’t that be knowing & feeling where their hurt was coming from or caused the REACTION? It would be more along the lines of feeling their feelings not blaming and shaming them for not being always in control of their emotions! Hmmmmm control your emotions…and control how others feel? That’s a lot of control!
I had a old friend and we used to party a lot. During that time in my life I was doing drugs and I know I was a bad influence. I peer pressured a lot. I guess I just wanted someone to do bad things with. Her and I would stay out late partying till the sun came up drinking, smoking, doing drugs. We pretty much would hang out all the time. She doesn’t know any of this but one time I was really drunk with her at a party and she went off to sleep with this guy. She told me not to tell anybody not even her sister because she has a “loud mouth”(she was with us at the party). I was in a group of people with her sister and she asked me where she went. I knew I shouldnt have done this but I told her so she ended up blurting it out to the group of people and when my friend came back she was embarrassed cause everyone knew and I blamed her sister for it. She held that night against her sister and her sister would take the blame for telling everybody even though I started it. I even stole some weed from her before too and then smoked it with her. I even would say shit about her house to my family. I know I was a bad friend. I feel bad for her cause I know her home life wasnt the greatest and mine was. And sometimes she seemed envious when she saw me with my family and even jealous. Most of the time it seemed like she was hiding something as well. I felt as if something changed. Like our friendship wasnt how it used to be. I felt she didnt want to be around me. She would cut the days short whenever we hung out. She kind of stopped staying the night. It was hard to keep conversation and to me it was kind of awkward. I ended up confronting her and saying I wasnt sure if we should be friends because she was acting different. She wanted to meet up and talk. We did meet up but we completely avoided that conversation. She didnt even try to ask me what was up and why I was feeling that way. And the friendship just kept stringing along until I kind of gave up cause it felt like she didnt care. So I texted her and ended the friendship. I dont really remember what she said I think she said that she didnt want to lose me as a friend or something like that. But she didnt call me. Or even come up to my house. She didnt want to try. I didnt try enough either though. I didnt call her. I regret that. It was just so awkward at that point for me.
I sometimes regret cutting her off because I had some good memories with her that I cant get back and she was honestly my best friend. I just hate how a friendship could crumble so fast. I wish she cared. And sometimes I just want to call her and say I’m sorry but I cant.
I’ve been really mean and selfish the past few years, I’ve blamed it on my eating disorders, but I’m realizing it’s all my fault. When I dumped my bf I talked s* abt him to alot of people because I was just upset, and o told this one guy I liked him and he said “aren’t you dating him” and I said “not anymore”, he ofc rejected me, the gut I had a crush on since I was 13. Anyways after this whole ordeal o felt like a total s*. And this girls bf kept flirting with me and we were friend’s, but I talked abt boys with him so he’d get the hint. I also ditched my best friend at the time bc another girl told me nobody liked her and that I let her walk all over me. I also had a fake ig account to find out who this one girl was dating, didn’t work out. I told this girl she smelled bad. And then the same girl who told me to ditch my best friend, decided she thinks I’m toxic and started saying shit about me and told my friends not to talk to me anymore. I called her a coward to my friend, she told her. And then she texts me out of nowhere telling me I’m an awful person and that I can never change. I trusted her and told her my secrets and now I’m so scared she’ll tell everyone. This is when I realized I’ve been a b* and I need to change. These are the worst things that I have ever done. And they eat away at me every day and night. I would apologize to them. But I’m sure they’d all gossip even more.
I planned something intimate with someone, but never followed through. I only told one friend about it while drunk. Now the ‘someone’ is saying that I told people I was going to do something else intimate to her, even though that’s not at all true. I didn’t do what I was accused of doing, but I still did something bad by telling my friend. And it’s weighing on me as if I did everything I was accused of doing. I don’t know how to let go and it makes me feel physically sick.
Now the idea of getting drunk or doing something intimate with a girl makes me feel waves of guilt. I can’t let go and it’s affecting how I usually act.
I too have suffered depression and anxiety for many years, since I was a teenager and I’m now 32. I feel it is just escalating into more deep rooted issues and I know inside myself it boils down to the fact I hate the person I was and the things I did when I was self destructing. I have changed a lot since then and for the better but I can’t let go of the guilt I feel and the hatred I still feel in myself for not doing things differently. I feel like I deserve to be punished and I can’t see anyone ever changing the way I do feel about myself. I’ve had years of counselling and therapy and tried various medications but nothing has ever stopped this and it’s ruining my life. I want to stop living in the past and let go of it before my children realise just how messed up I really am inside.
Wow, I feel the same way. I am 18 now, and I just feel like I have self destructed,I have did alot of things I regret and should’ve done differently..I’m always depressed over my past it just won’t stop
If only I were 18 again. You have your life ahead of you . You can do ANYTHING! Remember your future right now is huge, more than your past. I struggle with my past also but every day I forgive myself , out loud , verbally….peace and blessings
I did some stupid things many years ago when I was younger. I thought that life was behind me. I want it to be but something came up and I find myself thinking about old habits. I didn’t do anything and i shut it down but I feel guilty for entertaining the thoughts.
I had really bad intentions towards people that were really close to me, they really liked me but as time passed those intentions started to create questionable behavior from me, I disrespected several people that had never done any bad to me, I was becoming the very thing that I had always feared and even thought some may not know that I was shady and sneaky around them, I feel deeply bad and I regret it all, in my heart, I really feel terrible, looking back, and now, my life is so different, I value everything now, I want to forgive myself and I hope this confession helps, I am sorry to everyone out there whose’s path I crossed and left a bad taste, I hope you too can forgive me, as I today attempt to forgive myself, thank you.
I learned how to forgive myself a long long time ago! Growing up in a family where you had to literally prove you were worthy of forgiveness by accepting all of the responsibility even when not your own, guilt had a way of passing along through a majority of allies who isolated, mocked and humiliated the target into tearful submission. A higher level of respect, gratefulness and inferiority was demanded at all times! Behavior and consequences always came above validation of personal feelings or compromise! That level of control sabotaged my own desire to CHANGE the dynamic for my own family.
A long time ago I stole from a shop and I still regret it I hope I can now forgive myself
I cheated on my partner who I truly love, over a year ago. We are still thankfully still together. It was the biggest mistake I’ve made to date and I wish I could erase it from my history. I have never told anybody at all about it and I hope that I will find some peace by posting this.
Hi. I’m in the same boat. Mine was about four years ago and I live with it everyday. I want to forgive myself and allow us to move on, but I can’t. I have never told my partner as I am too worried about loosing them, but everyday I feel a physical and emotional sense of guilt. I think we need to forgive ourselves. We need to know it was a stupid mistake and let go of it. I try and focus on the future and on making sure I am the best possible partner I can be moving forward. We are only human, and I’m not justifying our mistake, but I am learning to make peace with it. Has posting helped you?
I was cheated on and so hurt and angry I tried to call the other woman over his cell phone in front of him. First time I’ve ever had a cell phone thrown and smashed right beside my head into pieces. I for gave many times two and even cheated myself after 7 years believing I must not be attractive enough or fully lovable/desirable. Didn’t make me feel any better just made me feel like a w*.
Hi Karen I’m shrenik R. Khairnar…
I’m from India. I want to know what really was happened to you. What really you did that time. So I can help you.
well said,amen
I understand this at 60 I still feel guilt over my teen years after my mother died. I have tried to let it go and forgive myself for my actions but in the end when stress hits and anxiety is running rampant in my soul it comes back to me. Why couldn’t I have been a better person. I would never have met up to my mothers expectations…
Karen, I have the similar situation. It all started out with depression which led to anxiety. I hurt many people as a teenager emotionally and I have been accepting my karma which had happened for the last 3 years. I am now wondering, why do I still feel guilty and how long will this go on for? And i am only 31 years old just like you. I almost started thinking, all these sudden changes, different perceptions, wanting to justify and putting me in peaceful statues, may be happening because my end is near. I am not being depressed or emotional about this, it’s hard to put it in words but I can almost feel it. Live each day as your best until you are gone and the universe will never abandon good hearted human beings. Maybe death will set our soul free 🙂
Be optimistic, we are lucky to be here honestly. Yea if we didn’t exist, we wouldn’t have to go through life. However, we are here for a reason(Nothing is coincidental)and we shall learn how to rise above and finally become the infinite powerful beings! I hope this helps. I am currently suffering with depression so we are all in a same boat(a mentally tiring boat). Let’s not forget, we are in this together all of us. That puts us as equal and we can be united as one and trully start our evolution.
I am 34 and I feel like I’m going through a huge change in the way I perceive things and think. I feel really guilty about the way I was, the things I’ve said to people in the past (when I was angry), and for hurting my parents. I am going through depression, and feel really guilty thinking about everything I’ve done in the past. I’ve just started therapy and i am also thinking about volunteering. Thank you for being so optimistic, it’s really encouraging. I hope to overcome this and help people in need in the future. God Bless!
About 5 years ago, my wife and I were not in a good place In our marriage and after a night of drinking I had a one time affair. I always told myself I would never be one to slip up like this. I’m a Christian and I know better. Just recently something triggered that memory and I feel so guilty. Our marriage has gotten so much better and we have 2 awesome kids. I love my wife very much and I know this will never happen again. I’ve thought about telling her but I know this would emotionally kill her and will hurt the kids as well. Also, if I were to tell it would possibly get it off my chest which might lessen the pain but it would hurt so many other people. I feel as if the pain I have with the guilt is what I deserve and then some. I don’t want others to go through what I am going through right now. I am going to talk to a counselor to air everything out. I am just stuck in a rut and can’t get this out of my mind. I know I am a good person that just made a horrible mistake. I just feel like a major disappointment as a husband, father and son as I was raised much better than the action I chose.
Hi, I am in the exact situation. The guilt is literally eating my soul.
I’ve lived with anxiety and depression after being the one child of four who was unwanted,and still today not loved cared about or respected.Then my husband of 18 yrs cheated on me and our 4 children.Hes remarried now and I’m alone 24 years.my kids are tired of hearing me,watching me cry.I just think it’s all my fault and I look around and see happy couples and it upsets me to still be alone.Forgive a person for messing my life and that of my kids after 18 years?? I just cant,life itself is difficult..and he’s in nice ,new neighborhood,new car,new wife,cruises..while I’m recently unemployed,live on a bad neighborhood with a slumlord that’s letting the roof fall apart as well as the rest of the house,and drive a 15 yr old car..forgive and forget?NO !! He ruined our family and I have to try to be the anchor still after all these years..he walks free and is well off.
Death is all am waiting for now it’s the only thing good about this life
We’re so sorry to read what you’re going through. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, or thinking about hurting yourself or others, please seek immediate help. Call 911, go to your closest emergency room, or call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. You can also visit their website at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org. This national network of local crisis centers provides free support, and someone is always available to talk.
You can also find a list of other helpful resources here, such as the Crisis Text Line, National Domestic Violence Hotline, and more. Remember, life can get better with the right help. https://twx.atlantacounseling.com/immediate-help/
I’m really depressed I started my life with different lies just to fit in coming from an average I lied about my self to people. I felt embarrassed and always wished to get rich I always looked lost thinking and wishing I did better and everyday I keep feeling bad and not happy. These days I have been feeling the live isn’t for me because I see how everybody go about their live feeling grateful and being confident but all I do is talk about my problems. I’m 23 I wish I can change my past but I can’t and I want to live in the present not just thinking about everything and end up being worse
We’re so sorry to read what you’re going through. If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, or thinking about hurting yourself or others, please seek immediate help. Call 911, go to your closest emergency room, or call the National Suicide Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. You can also visit their website at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org. This national network of local crisis centers provides free support, and someone is always available to talk.
You can also find a list of other helpful resources here, such as the Crisis Text Line, National Domestic Violence Hotline, and more. Remember, life can get better with the right help. https://twx.atlantacounseling.com/immediate-help/
Karma? That happens sometimes when someone you can’t stand up to is hurting YOU so you project the pain on to others.
My refusal to forgive myself stems from the fact that I once had unprotected sex after binge drinking. I became sick two months later. In month 4 after the ordeal, I went to a nearby VCT centre and I tested positive for HIV. It has been hard and I feel that one silly mistake ruined the prospects in my life. I hate myself for it because every single day I take HIV drugs I am reminded of the mistake I did. Can someone help me overcome this?
Hi my darling.my name is Mel.I want you to understand that I understand your emotional pain
….I know you are scared.I’m scared too of bad thoughts of guilt and wonder if we will ever be able to forgive ourselves and accept what has happened to us….
We are consumed by guilt feelings.am here for you x
Yes. Help someone else. Be transparent before GOD 1st and foremost. Then ask Him to lead you through the right doors to get a message of Hope to others (Ex: How invaluable it is to live life to the fullest despite circumstances/the value of turning tragedy into life lessons, etc…). You can do it! You already have a head start. GOD Bless You.
Thank you.
I cheated on my last boyfriend for 2 years. I stayed with him because I was scared of hurting him. I feel guilty of being with him even though I didn’t love him and leading him on. I am sorry. I forgive myself now.
Last night I watched a porn video. This in itself isn’t a crime, but I have a boyfriend and it felt like by watching it I was cheating on him.
I watched the video out of old habit. I was stressed, he was asleep. I wanted a quick orgasm before going to sleep. I’ve done this a couple times before while we’ve been dating and felt no guilt. I feel no attraction to the person in the video; only the action they are doing. I imagine my boyfriend doing what the man in the video does. The video is faceless. I still feel disgusting because I’m so in love with my boyfriend, and even though I really didn’t want to watch the video, I still did and I’m so angry that I did.
I was heavily abused emotionally and mentally by my parents. This particular kink developed and progressed throughout the years i suffered that abuse. Watching that particular video was something I used to do when I was younger and feeling helpless and powerless. I helped me to cope with the feelings I was unable to comprehend at that age. I felt that way last night and I relapsed into a bad habit.
I told my boyfriend about the kink I have and he was more than receptive. I was quite amazed by it. But I also told him about the video I watched and I was so terrified because he hardly said anything about it. And now I’m scared it’s just sitting in the back of both our minds and he’s going to try and pretend like I never said it. I don’t consider it to be cheating, but as our relationship gets more and more serious, it’s starting to feel like it. Mostly because my sexual attraction is only for my boyfriend, yet I still want the gratification of watching the video specifically for the action the man performs.
I don’t think I would be brave enough to do it with my boyfriend yet and I think it would be really gratifying for both of us if I could let go of my shame towards it. Problem now is that I am having so much trouble letting go of my shame for watching the video before telling my boyfriend, instead of resolving to tell him the next day and then seeing if I still felt like watching it after telling him.
It’s a small scale of sin but it feels so large. I’m in pain. I’m hurting. I want to let it go so badly but it literally happened last night and I’m breaking apart. I love him. I see a lifetime with him. All of my lifetimes in every time line, I want to spend them with him. He’s the love of my life. I would never cheat on him. He’s told me he loves me no matter what, but sometimes mistakes can’t be fixed. He can be self conscious sometimes and I don’t want him to think he isn’t enough to sexually satisfy me, because he’s more than enough. He’s the best I’ve ever had.
But I also live with the fear that I’ll screw us up. But I guess that’s just the OCD and the anxiety and the bipolar disorder talking. There’s a lot of different scary voices in my head coupled with this terrifying feeling that I’m drowning in a pool of guilt that should barely be a puddle. I love him. I’m firm in that. I also respect him, which is far more important. I’ll never intentionally disrespect him but last night I was only thinking of myself when I decided to watch that video. I can’t undo it. I know I need to let it go. But I’m still scared that he will struggle to let it go more than I will struggle to let it go. Am I selfish for wanting to move on from it, even if for some reason he can’t? I know it was a desire that a scared inner child was feeling, but I, as a functioning adult, indulged. The consequence will surely not result in our relationship ending, but I don’t want things to be different or off either.
I know there are mixed feelings on the topic of whether it is healthy to involve porn in a relationship. In every relationship I’ve been in, I would never allow porn. I should be enough. If someone wants something I can not offer, then I would have to leave them. So now I’m judging myself by my own moral code, and I’m not the kind of person to change what I believe just because I’m suddenly persecuted by my own beliefs. My beliefs are solid and make sense. I could definitely be more forgiving in certain circumstances, like this one. I just want him to know that I never watched it with the intention to want anyone except him.
I love him. I respect him. So why don’t those thoughts make me feel much better? I would probably feel better if I hadn’t said anything about the porn at all, because it really isn’t a big deal. I just wanted to be honest about it. Mostly because I had a lapse in judgement. I was frustrated that I told myself ‘no’ and for good reason, but I did it anyway. I guess that’s what I should worry more about than some future unintentional and unimaginable infidelity.
I’m realizing as I’m typing this that my impulse control needs a stronger and more resilient defense against my intrusive thoughts. Here I am, feeling guilty about watching it and wondering why.. because in the past I haven’t. Will I be watching it again? Most certainly not. Because I wouldn’t want him to. Although, if he was in my shoes I would understand and never think less of him. I expect the same in return.
I might actually try to explore some of my shameful turn ons just to de stigmatize it. He’s expressed interest and it excites me in a way I’m kind of scared to acknowledge. I’m so ready to let go of the shame. I know I’ll enjoy it. I guess I’m scared to dirty our relationship with the kink. But I want to share all my dirt with him. His presence and understanding cleanses my soul. I do actually feel better now. I wasn’t expecting to go to bed tonight with peace in my heart. I made a mistake. I suffer with mental health problems. But I am progressing wonderfully and am working so hard to overcome what has set me back for so long. I will continue to make mistakes but I won’t let them burden me for long anymore. I am worthy of all the good things coming to me in my life. All the good things I’m working so so hard to manifest and actualize through real genuine self improvement. I am an amazing human, with flaws. An amazingly flawed individual. Flaws are beautiful. Flaws are like scars. They come from a scary place, that can be hard to acknowledge at first. But hiding them only adds to the stigma that we have attached to the flaws. And one persons flaw is another persons best quality.
I digress, I go on tangents often. Regardless, I know tomorrow I’ll wake up with a better sense of self and significantly less guilt, even if my boyfriend doesn’t want to talk or think about it. I’m sure that we will work through it, as we always do.
Thank you for this platform. Im done for tonight. I hope that someone takes the time to read about my situation and feels better about themself. You are worth more than you think<3
You probably should have tried to get a closer relationship with her. We , as children, only get one mother. Love your parents, in spite of their short comings. Personally, I feel that we never forget about mother, once she is gone.
Pray and ask God to forgiveyouEncourage other plover ones and friends to do the same.
Sounds like that’s where you were first introduced to porn and covertly made to feel those women were more attractive & desirable than you! When you love someone you are subconsciously asked to compete and doubt your own desirability. Down the line you’ll be told HE is the only man who will ever want you!
I am 63 and still feel guilt after my Mum died as a 12 year old. I forgive he child in me. My brothers love to remind me and punished me by spending my inheritance on their business and denying it. Makes me feel bad that they could treat me like that. I have spent my whole life helping others as a nurse,plus volunteering and helping homeless. I still feel guilt and shame. My Dad remarried 2 years after mum died. I felt abandoned. I was in the way. I left at 19, went back home to study at 22. They threw me out at 23. I felt abandoned again. I have had a good life. Trying to get over guilt,shame,regrets. Hypnosis tapes have helped. I am very shy and low self esteem,affected my work and relationships. I always end up with narcissists. Hypnosis is changing me. Thanks for listening. I have hope.
Being on the verge of homelessness is paradise compared to accepting any money from family! If I ever get an inheritance it will all go to my brother – I want him to have a yard full of tractors pontoon boats babies bears and a huge house to grow old in
Hey Karen! I can relate to your story, I am 32 years old now and I am filled with regrets and shame, being decieved and decieving others. I hope we can connect.
I have suffered from depression/anxiety for many years and have been to several therapists. In my most recent therapy session I had always thought my problems was because I didn’t like myself. I found that I do like myself, but in the course of finding this, I also found I harbor a lot of guilt…I mean a lot of guilt. I never realized what guilt can manifest into.
Now I have to let this guilt go and (1) I’m absolutely terrified, and (2) I don’t even know where to begin. I read your comments, but they just jumble in my mind. I fear that the guilt has built up for so many years that I will never be able to release it and forgive myself.
I’m 52 years old and I’ve already “wasted” most of my life because I was never able to experience it fully. I want to be able to experience what life I have left. I want happiness and love and all the joys I’m entitled to.
John
John,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It’s really encouraging to hear from persons who have benefitted so much in their lives from counseling (and from the work they’ve put into it!). BTW, at 52, I think you have a lot of life left to experience!
The ones who convince you how much you need to change are the ones refuse to recognize the consistent pattern of change and ADAPTABILITY! Why do those personalities always seem to have the most influence over everyone else???
i know its 5 years later but your words still carry and let me know/remind me not only am i not alone but there are millions that feel the same(so we are normal and are good people and we still deserve life
jon,
How has your progress been?
Exactly the same is happening to me
I said some pretty outta pocket stuff about this person to my friend and the person overheard but pretended like they didn’t and I never got to apologize because I never got a chance to see them again. It’s been 2 almost 3 years now and I just can’t seem to let go of it and it’s just there and I just can’t seen to get rid of this feeling of guilt. It gets suffocating sometimes but even though it’s such a small thing I just cant seem to let it go and it gets so bad when I feel down so I just want to be able to let it go. Thanks for listening. I just want to let it go