- Narcissists are self-obsessed individuals who control others for their personal gain; they use a few specific tactics for getting and maintaining control.
- First, narcissists guarantee success by targeting codependents: the narcissist takes advantage of the codependent’s shortcomings.
- Narcissists also try to make others feel special to gain control; for example, they might compliment or flatter the individual to get them on their side.
- They then go on to play with difficult emotions like shock, awe, and guilt to maintain control over their victim.
- Narcissists also gaslight or practice master manipulation; they weaken and destabilize their victims to gain control.
- Finally, they’re hot and cold with their target, meaning that they utilize positive and negative emotions or moments to trick others.
Narcissists are self-absorbed. They often dominate conversations, manipulate their loved ones, and engage in deceptive behaviors for profit. We try to steer clear of these disingenuous individuals, but we also fall victim to their manipulation. So, how do they accomplish this? How do narcissists control you? What techniques do they use? Here are 5 methods narcissists employ to control their targets:
1. They target codependents.
Narcissists often find success in controlling others because they target codependents. “Narcissists generally seek out those with codependency characteristics,” Tom Gagliano, Relationship Expert, explains. “The narcissist reinforces the codependent’s shortcomings where they are manipulated to believe everything is their fault or that they are responsible to fix any discomforts in the relationship. The partner becomes afraid of the narcissist to the point where they lose their sense of self by believing all of the narcissist’s distortions.”
2. They make you feel special.
These self-centered individuals also go out of their way to make others feel special—not because they genuinely value something about the individual but to manipulate them. “In their personal relationships, narcissists most often gain control over others by playing to a person’s (very understandable) desire to feel special and highly valued,” says Clinical Psychologist Forrest Talley. “The narcissist may say, for example, ‘Although I only just met you, it’s clear to me that you are exceptionally bright and capable. I have a very select group of people, much like yourself, that I like to keep in contact with… I want you to be part of that group. Just give me your phone number and I’ll add it to my secret black book.’ (Sound ridiculous? It is, but nevertheless this is what one narcissist told me years ago… no, not a patient).”
3. They use shock, awe, and guilt.
Narcissists continue to gain control of the people in their life by eliciting difficult emotions. “After going through a period of ‘grooming’ someone for a close relationship, the narcissist moves on to use shock, awe, and guilt to maintain control,” Talley explains. “The shock and awe come from the over-the-top, emotionally charged tantrums that erupt when the friend (spouse or lover) has done something that disappointed the narcissist. Most normal people find such dramatic reactions exhausting and strange, therefore, they begin to work hard to avoid a repeat performance.”
4. They gaslight.
Narcissists are also commonly gaslighters as well, meaning that they are master manipulators. “Gaslighting is a tactic of narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths,” Christine Scott-Hudson, Licensed Psychotherapist, explains. It is a manipulative behavior designed for self-gain, and even for sport. It is designed to weaken, trick, and destabilize the victim. Gaslighters will deny they said something or did something that you know they said or did. They move through the world dishonestly.”
5. They play hot and cold games.
Finally, narcissistic individuals are also known to play games. “One of the ways that narcissists try to control you is by playing manipulative hot and cold games,” says Adina Mahalli, Master Social Worker. “One week, they’ll flatter you to get you to do what they want, and the next week, they’ll use aggression. The negative moments are interspersed with positive ones so that you might not even realize that you’re being manipulated. The only way to defeat this is to be cautious of the flattery and positivity when it comes. Take every action with a grain of salt, and don’t let the love-bombing be a form of bribery towards you. Niceties shouldn’t be conditional.”
Make yourself aware of these 5 common tactics of narcissists. If you think you’ve fallen victim or are being targeted by these manipulators, do what you can to get out of their grasp. This might involve cutting ties with friends or family members—but that’s okay because your mental health and wellbeing is on the line, and that always take priority.
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I had a daughter-in -law, who I think is a Narcissists, right from the start she would not let my son have his own best man, it had to be who she chose, her friends boyfriend, then when the grandchildren came along she cut me out of there lives and my son for 12yrs, she groomed my son to the extent. he became violent and aggressive towards me, (his mother), I asked my son, and his Partner to look after his little Brother 17yrs his junior. he was 29yrs and my little son was 12yrs, they tortured my little son, to the extent they didn’t speak to him, or give him any food, or took him with them when they went out, he had to walk the streets for 8 hrs with no food or water, he was so upset he went and asked one of the neighbors to care for him, my son is out of that marriage, but she is still controlling the children, I have a great grandson Teddy who I adore, last week in sainsburys I saw my granddaughter and she was complaining I don’t have teddy, her attitude was the same as when all those years ago, my son spoke to me, her mother is controlling her now, and it upsets me, my little son is 38yrs now, but he said looking back at what happened still hurts him, my eldest son has gone back to being a very Patient man and can’t say sorry enough, my youngest son speaks to him but will never forget what he allowed to happen on that day when he was 12yrs old, but she is still Controlling and manipulating.
I am familiar with a lot of what you have said, I was married to a narcissist, very controlling, secretive, angry at the world, how she wasn’t attacked by someone in the street I will never know. The catalogue of bad behaviour went on for decades, now with a new partner, long affairs, her new partner is easily manipulated i hear, perfect for her, she was very manipulative and controlling, the smallest of things she had to control, i could never care enough to confront her behaviour as this inflamed her more, i feel for your son and nothing was his fault, remember he had to live with her, must have been hell, give him room to recover his life, but unfortunately for you all she will use her children as a weapon, she will never change.
Same thing. I’m undermined belittled blamed for everything that has or does go wrong. Constant accusations of cheating,in every form you can think of. I’ve lost jobs,friends,family,and even myself. I try to seek help but can’t seem to get it. Plz.
Please look at Melanie Tonia Evans on narcissism on YouTube. She got me out of narcissistic abuse. All you can do, is detach and break free from these narcissists, otherwise they’ll destroy you. Fact.
My daughters partners mother sound just like this.
Hi, I have a Mother who’s extremely awful, I know this sounds bad but it took me 46 years to get help Ii needed as she would have loved to watch me kill myself and drove me to extremes, I thought I was just brought up strict but it was complete narcissistic behavior, I literally had a nervous breakdown and after alot of therapy got better and moved over 350 miles away. Then my son who she turned against me and told him I never loved or wanted him and lied beyond belief rang me 5 yrs later asking me for help which I did, then he pleaded with me to speak to her which I literally shook and was terrified, I couldn’t do it. However, he was in a position some months later which made me speak to her and she pretended to be dying and very ill knowing I have alot of compassion I went and collected her to my house and nursed her to find she’s not that poorly, definitely not dying. Since then I collected her again because she said she could not walk, cook or anything just before Lockdown so I did the same again she’s still here with me and is completely awful as she used to be trying to turn my home into hers and I even lost my husband to cancer 31st March 2020 which she has no sympathy over and says he deserved it and is giving me grief for having his ashes in my house, allowing her dog to pee on all my carpets then saying, well you and your kids wrecked my carpets when you were young, it’s not my dogs fault. It’s dreadful as I feel like as I’m only child I need to look after her but same time I know she hates me and has admitted it because my dad never married her so she’s making me suffer even tho he’s dead for years. She says I owe her as she sacrifice her life for me. She’s soo full of hatred and bitterness, nothing I can do pleases her at all. I’m at my witts end, I sleep most of day to keep away from her picking on me and awake at night when there’s peace. I feel like intruder in my own home, she’s moved everything so I can’t find it, tells me I’m going crazy. I feel like she’s going to start to slap me around like when I was in my 40’s and all through my life until I moved away. Worse thing I ever did was speak and feel sorry for her. I cannot even grieve. She sent my friend and son out other day.
D* call the police on the lady. N get her a* out ur house if u don’t want her there. Or start doing the court thing just do what it takes to get her out of ur life..
Get her out! They are dangerous! A narcissist mother will stop at nothing to smear who she perceives as
non compliant. They will destroy your relationships, property and screw with you to not only vent their frustrations, but to get even. This is their passive aggression and many get vicious especially if they are not capable of expressing overt rage. Their rage is internalized and watch out!!! Been where you are and I could not help her. They enjoy being miserable and they have no use for what we perceive as normal interactions. Condescending, judgmental, apathetic, and cunning manipulators, They are also envious of their children especially daughters. Essentially, they are attracted to strength, goodness, talent and other positive attributes such as intelligence, however they want to absorb their prey like an amoeba. They focus on dismantling you and taking everything you have. Narcissist personality disorder is right up there with anti social personality disorder in the fact that those afflicted will never acknowledge they have a problem and therefore they go without treatment. If they seek help, they attempt to manipulate their therapist. I have been told they are treatment resistant. If you can’t get her totally out of your like and go no contact, then you need support on how to protect your boundaries, thus limiting your exposure to abuse.
Yeah. My girlfriend I met online is moving here with me as soon as this covid is taken care of to open world wide plane flights. I’m 46 yrs old and my mom and dad love to treat me like I’m stupid and don’t know what I’m doing. Any time we talk they want to cut me down for anything I did in the past. Just the other day they stole my microwave there next door neighbor gave me. They bought one that was broken and I told them about my microwave. I moved out over there controlling me. I went back to get my microwave step dad and real mother stated they bought it. They will not look on there account to prove they bought it when that is not possible because they did not. Then step dad said he is keeping my 3 15×3 sheets of stainless steel I got free from the work I do. They stole 6 fishing poles and said how do u know they r it’s? That is so stupid. If u don’t know what u buy and had over 12 yrs ur not all there. Any conflict they cut me down for my past. I can’t deal with a thriving family. U can’t get into an argument with them because they say don’t u yell at me. They can cause all types of problems but I cannot get even little mad at them. They explode in anger. Step dad takes what belongs to me by force. I had shoulder surgery and took advantage of that stealing my things. I’m a professional carpenter for 32 yrs step dad tells me how to hold a saw. I have a killing more experience than he does. He was navy pilot and retired flying for FedEx. He is retired from both. They think the world rotates around them. They don’t like me because I’m very skillful putting him to shame. They both so negative. Step dad a deacon in the Catholic Church will a evil spirit inside of him. He is a false prophet.
Not thriving but thieving
By the way my girlfriend works at a mentally challenged people of all ages. She told me they both r narcissistic. I looked it up and wow a lot what it says is them a lot not them. They like social gatherings and put on a great persons front. Never live with them if struggling. Demons will come out controlling u. I bought a Chevy Z71 and mom cut me down for it a lot. I didn’t buy what she wants me to buy. They will not let me be my own person. I disowned them for there greediness and controlling attitude.
Hi Lana I hope your feeling better in such difficult times. I haven’t seen my son for 6 months and a baby grandchild for 6 months I had a break down after finally seeing what was going on with my sons partner. Yes my son became aggressive towards me it broke my heart not keeping in touch fully in lockdown even though he had a father at risk and not keeping in touch with his sister a very ill young woman. We all felt we were walking on egg shells. Our son has become withdrawn lacks confidence totally changed sometimes withdrawn sometimes angry thankfully sometimes loving. But my mind just couldn’t keep track of what was going on so much so I ended up with pycosis with the stress trying to second guess what was going on it made so ill . It has taken me six months to get better to try and come to terms with the fact that I may have lost my son and grandson for ever due to a controlling horrid woman she just couldn’t understand love or empathy or other peoples stress that she has caused due to her insure sick controlling mind. I hope that through the years there have been times when you have found peace and love and i hope with all my heart you carry on finding that love you so deserve.
OMG ! THANK GOD !! I FEEL LIKE MY LIFE WAS JUST SAVED !! I HAVE A MALE NARCISSISTIC HUSBAND !!! OMG !! A VERY GOOD FRIEND OF MINE LAST NIGHT I MESSAGED HER TO CALL ME, I TOLD HER WHAT I WAS FEELING AND AT THAT MOMENT SUICIDLE AND HAD THE MEANS TO MAKE SURE I WOULD SUCCEED !!! BUT JUST AT THAT MOMENT, SHE CALLED ME, I TOLD HER HOW MY HUSBAND HAS BEEN TREATING ME AND DOING THINGS TO ME AND 2 HRS ON THE PHONE, SHE BROUGHT IT TO MY ATTENTION THAT HE IS A NARASISTIC PERSON AND SHE LIVES FAR FROM ME. SO TODAY I LOOKED UP WHAT A NARSASIST AND DISCOVERED THATS EXACTLY WHAT HAS BEEN HAPPENING TO ME !!! I MADE IT THROUGH THE NIGHT ALIVE AND TODAY I UNDERSTAND WHAT HE HAS BEEN DOING TO ME, SHOCKED THE LIFE LIKE A BOLT OF LIGHNING TO REALIZE SHE IS RIGHT !! I AM GOING TO GET OUT BEFORE ITS TOO LATE, THANK GOD FOR MY TRUE FRIEND !!
HOW COULD I NOT REALIZE WHAT HE WAS DOING TO ME ??? LISA
I’m so sorry to hear about what you are going through. If you are at risk of hurting yourself or others, please immediately call 911 or go to the nearest Crisis Center or Emergency Room. You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, available 24 hours a day: Call 1-800-273-8255.
Much appreciated information, kind regards. Keep safe
I just had to send a heartfelt thankyou! Finally what I have been living with for what seems like a lifetime grom my daughter has been explained and I am free.
I find the subject of narcissistic behavior fascinating, because it helps a victim to cope with the situation that victimizes the person who is not aware of what is happening . A relationship can quickly deteriorate into a toxic situation if one is not aware of the manipulations that the narcissist practices in order to control their partner.
W even though I no he is a narcissist I still feel love for him.I no I’m going to leave the relationship, is this feeling normal. I also recent him
Yes it is normal, You are in what is called a trauma bond so even though you are being abused and you know you are and you realise it is wrong because the abuse is so confusing you may feel like you want to stay and try and fix the relationship.
This is a clear sign you are being abused and you should see it as an expected feeling as you move through the stages of removing the narcissist from your life.
Hi I am in just ugh over reading these things I’m in the same boat. Husband started making friends at each gas station in town went as far as flirting with them in front of me to giving his #.something felt off.So what do I do what any suspicious wife would.i found the prove s* was going on as I work a 40 hr a week job.texting this girl 4am as I sleep. I went to confront girl and he sneakily had me arrested with some made up story because he was caught out still having to go to court till this day all because I called out this narssis.really I just dont know what to do
My ex wife was the complete narcissist, totally controlling in every way, killing me slowly with her smothering way, slowly over time sh wrecked my life, now moved on to another, thank god, but, i feel so sorry for the new man, i wish him well, he will need it. My research threw up the way professionals talk about narcissists, Cluster A, B and C, my wife was so much like a B it was like reading about my wife from a report that was compiled by someone who had known her for decades, society needs to talk more openly about these people and how they inflict so much damage on those around them. I have included some of the research that told me so much, too late for me, but his will hopefully help others.
Cluster B personality disorders are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional or unpredictable thinking or behavior. They include antisocial personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder.
Antisocial personality disorder
Disregard for others’ needs or feelings
Persistent lying, stealing, using aliases, conning others
Recurring problems with the law
Repeated violation of the rights of others
Aggressive, often violent behavior
Disregard for the safety of self or others
Impulsive behavior
Consistently irresponsible
Lack of remorse for behavior
Borderline personality disorder
Impulsive and risky behavior, such as having unsafe sex, gambling or binge eating
Unstable or fragile self-image
Unstable and intense relationships
Up and down moods, often as a reaction to interpersonal stress
Suicidal behavior or threats of self-injury
Intense fear of being alone or abandoned
Ongoing feelings of emptiness
Frequent, intense displays of anger
Stress-related paranoia that comes and goes
Histrionic personality disorder
Constantly seeking attention
Excessively emotional, dramatic or sexually provocative to gain attention
Speaks dramatically with strong opinions, but few facts or details to back them up
Easily influenced by others
Shallow, rapidly changing emotions
Excessive concern with physical appearance
Thinks relationships with others are closer than they really are
Narcissistic personality disorder
Belief that you’re special and more important than others
Fantasies about power, success and attractiveness
Failure to recognize others’ needs and feelings
Exaggeration of achievements or talents
Expectation of constant praise and admiration
Arrogance
Unreasonable expectations of favors and advantages, often taking advantage of others
Envy of others or belief that others envy you
I want to thank you for sharing your story. I am very sorry that you had to go through this. Your research is helping me to identify a lot of things that I currently see in my girlfriend. We were married, but got annulled. The main thing I see with my GF is that she freaking loves to control. OH, MY LORD ALMIGHTY…DOES SHE LOVE TO CONTROL!!
anyway, thank you. I am struggling immensely to get out from being at the bottom of all the things I have done to: sabotage our married, steal and destroy all her dreams, dragged and duped her into marriage, and the list goes on and on.
I truly need help, as I am.striggling with the trauma bond, part of this all.
20 years of, ‘something just ain’t right’, tho it “appears to be almost perfect”, still things feel ‘off’, so sly and capable of being so sweet, kind and giving, when (he is up to no good), if I question, have an opinion, or request validation for part in our success Oh crap what an attitude he gets. I learned of all this narcissistic, gaslighting, manipulative behavior over 2 years ago(I puked my heart out! But, due to my health, BECAUSE of HIM intentionally destroying me physically, emotionally and mentally, so as to NOT BEABLE TO LEAVE, I feel as tho I am still in shock of the reality of it all…Guh! They are at their happiest, when we are sick,sad and miserable! He knows I know exactly who and what he is now, after shoving me down, cracking my a* and sciatic nerve damage since 2005, yanking a strong leather purse I had over my shoulder and neck in 2014( haven’t been able to wash my hair without crying ever since 7 mm displaced, wore a black eye with cracked facial bone 4+ months, then later STOMPED my head, heard cracking, scared him, so he stopped, destroyed my foot this past April, still hurts constantly, told me his life is more important and valuable than mine(yet admits he would be dead(drugs), if it wasn’t for me. So much unbelievable BS. I hate where i have allowed myself to be, who i have become.
Oh dear, Jam. I feel so sorry for you and hope you went to the hospital after enduring abuse so there is a record. You would be better off in a Women’s Shelter….they help you start a new life apart from the abuser. I relate to you because I am a financial hostage with a narcissistic man. My bruises are inwards, not obvious. Emotional abuse, silent treatments and financial control. I keep buying lottery tickets, hoping to win and start my perfect little world. Don’t take on the guilt, it’s not you, it’s HIM. I am in counselling to deal with this. I hope the best for you.
All fine and good…we know it well, 3 of us serve on a BOARD for our condo association…we are being sued by this type of a person for 1 1/2 years now. So, your advice to leave the situation does not apply! Negotiations just lead to more manipulation, lies, distortions, and other ridiculous bullshit! No end in sight and no way out! We know who we’re dealing with, we have no power in this situation. Held hostage and fed up!