Over the course of the last year, something has become abundantly clear to me. My parents are getting old and they need my help. My mother and father are 78 and 79 respectively. Until recently, their age has been just a number. They have always been strong and healthy. They have always been fiercely independent. For years, they have grown a big garden, cut firewood, and enjoyed trout fishing. However, they have recently had to give up some of their favorite activities.
Physically and cognitively, they cannot do the things they used to do. Emotionally, this has been difficult for them, but it has also been challenging for me. They need me for things they used to be able to handle themselves. I have had to learn to juggle my already hectic schedule so that their needs are met.
One might think this would be the hard part. However, I assure you, it is not. The hardest part for me is the wave of emotions I have ridden because this has forced me to make changes in my own life. In the last year, I have been angry, resentful, frustrated, depressed, and sad. At times, I have felt pity. Other times, I have experienced emotional detachment. For all of these emotions I have felt a deep guilt.
They are my parents. Why, when they need me the most, is it so hard to love them Recent statistics tell me that I am not alone. According to the Journal of Women and Aging, approximately 28 million adult children in the United States are providing some level of care and support to their aging parents[1].
The 2008 US Census reports that more adults are living into the eighth, ninth, and tenth decade of life than ever before in this countryʼs history.
The census also reports that in 2007 there are 2 million people, age 90 and older, living in the United States, and this number is expected to reach 8.7 million by the middle of the twenty-first century. In other words, this is the fastest growing segment of the population in the United States. This also means that, like me, there will be more adult children providing assistance to their aging parents. This at a time when they themselves are facing their own late midlife aging issues.
So I am not alone on this emotional roller coaster. What I am experiencing may be difficult, but it is also normal. Many people my age are either in the seat beside me, or next in line to get on. It is important then to face these feelings and take measures that will help us through the process. I would like to suggest some things that have helped me:
Accept that things have changed. Roles have changed. Cognitive function has changed. Emotions have changed. Things that worked in the past may not work in the future.
Take things slowly. Expect nothing in return, but do expect anger and resentment, at least initially. Remember, you may realize that they need help long before they are willing to admit it.
Do not try to control them. It will be far more advantageous to offer suggestions than to give orders. Ask for their advice and allow them as much autonomy as possible. Yes, your life is changing. But so is the life of your parents. As hard as this may be on you, remember, for them, these changes are coming very quickly.
Treat health care workers with love and respect. Whether it be a cleaning person, case worker, doctor, or a caring neighbor, always be gracious and kind. You will need them if you truly want to provide the best possible care for your parents.
Talk to your friends. Many of them are going through the very same thing and will be valuable resource of information
Finally, allow yourself down time. Have some fun, and get away when possible. Whether it be an afternoon matinee or a weekend at the beach with friends, enjoy yourself whenever you can. You will need time to recharge and refresh so you can move forward and fulfill your responsibilities.
Through it all, I have come to the realization that I am not cursed, as I had originally believed. I am just a member of the generation that is now caring for their elderly parents. I have also come to realize that seeing my beloved parents through the final years of their lives may be some of the most challenging and rewarding work I will ever do. I plan to do the work that I need to do to love them and do it well.
Kim Cartwright is a writer, speaker, and researcher who is passionate about helping people with issues such as self worth, eating disorders, and relationships. Check out her personal blog, (She)ology, and find her on Twitter @kimbrly63.
1 Natalie D. Pope and others. “How Women in Late Midlife Become Caregivers for Their Aging Parents” in Journal of Women and Aging (Nov 2012), 242.
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I have recently become the caretaker for my 86 year old mother. it has been almost a year now. my husband and I had just gotten married (second marriage) and then my mother moved it. She was living in an unhealthy situation, not showering for over 6 years because she couldn’t get into her tub, not leaving her house for 3 years because she could not get down her steps. Her doctor had said she was in kidney failure. He suggested she get out of her home and move closer to family. I did try to find her an apartment close by but she did not want to be alone. We had to modify our entire home for her ie: build a handicap bathroom, give up office space and make it a bedroom (we live in a colonial all bedrooms on second floor) put a handicap ramp on our back steps, my mother has taken over our main level of our house. that is not the issue I am having, the issue I am having is, she can get up everyday and get on a van and go to senior center, but when she is home she can not or will not even get up to get a fork for herself. Instead it is maria get me this, and get me that. I do EVERYTHING for my mother, cook, clean, laundry, shopping, take off from work to bring her to the doctors which I do not get paid when I take off. My mother gives us 500 rent, but this money doesn’t even come close to covering what it cost her have an extra person in our home. and she never offers to chip in for pizza, or food in any way. In a way I feel like she thinks we owe her. Why is this suddenly my responsibility. She has a lot of money in the bank and doesn’t spend it except to buy clothes for her senior center. or to buy things for the people at senior center. She never offers to buy any of the food she is consuming in the house. She does not pay her own way and it is becoming a huge burden on my husband and myself. in fact this is destroying my marriage, as my mother does not want to be alone ever. If we want to go to dinner or movie or anything she starts to cry and gives us guilt trips. She acts like a complete baby. We are talking about a woman who has all her brains still but her body is weaker. We have had people in the home to evaluate her and they all said she was capable of being alone. she just doesn’t want to be. We had mentioned wanting to go to Italy and she told us not to go till she dies. She expects us to put our lives on hold till she dies, yet she constantly says she is going to out live us. I am feeling a lot of resentment toward my mother, and I don’t like feeling this way. I am also feeling a huge amount of resentment toward my brother and sister. My brother is useless and will not and never has offered to help my mother in any way., instead he is wondering how much he will inherited when she dies, and talks about his inheritance all the time. but since my mother moved in with us he refuses to come visit her on holidays, mothers day, her birthday because 1.5 hours drive is too far for him to go. I am the youngest of the family, my sister lives in NC, she works from home and has a ranch home with a walk in bathroom. When I have tried to talk to her about how I am feeling she usually always says, “put her in a nursing home” she is very heartless when it comes to family which is sad, because my sister would give the shirt off her back for her friends. Anyway, the last time I reached out to my sister about everything, she told me she couldn’t take her or she would need to buy a new house and a new car. I said, “I new house? why?? you live in a ranch” and her answer was, my mother couldn’t get into her shower. UGH. so you see I have no one I can talk to or get help from. And my mother refuses to respect my space, she tells everyone my personal business constantly. I have asked her several times to keep my personal life out of her conversations but she won’t. She also talks badly about me to people (I know because we have cameras in our home and I have heard her) and not once since she has been here has she ever said a nice thing to me, never a thank you, nothing. My husband actually sat with her and had a conversation about this, and he told her she should thank me, because I do everything for her. Well I sat down that night and instead of saying anything nice to me, she told me she had a conversation with my husband and she felt sorry for him because of his daughters (another story all together) never a hey Maria, thank you for all you do!. I don’t like the way I feel inside, I don’t like to be angry and resentful. I just need things to change before I waste away my good years. All my mother wants and expects me to do is sit there and watch her sleep. No thank you! I want to live! sorry this is so long but as you can tell I am upset.
I truly enjoyed reading this article and comments posted and could identify with the roller coaster of emotions and guilt. It is even harder when you have had a long history of a strained relationship. I am researching as much as I can regarding options but am overwhelmed with the myriad of paths to take and then coupled with my parents belief that they are fine. They live in a Florida and my three sisters and I live far away in various locations throughout the US….locations they say they cannot handle because of the cold weather. I get so angry with older people that don’t take steps early on to at a minimum downsize to at least an apartment or condo suited for seniors. I am 56 years old and have already taken those steps as house cleaning and yard work are already getting difficult with my knees. But my parents still live in a large house that is beyond their ability to care for and to save a buck refuse to pay for help when they can afford it or my sisters and I would be happy to chip in. Also my Dad in particular is incredibly critical of outside help and says no one can do the work as well as him. What is lacking in our society is skilled professionals to help mediate between parent and child and help develop courses of actions…..someone who is well versed in the myriad of options and costs. Does that exist? And not a social worker that seems to be limited to the care facility (hospital, skilled nursing) they are representing. I am also hoping to find some sort of support group at least to get ideas and leverage other lessons learned.
Enjoyed this blog as I feel so alone anymore. My 95 yr old father-in-law came to live with us in January and it was an adjustment for us all but I thought we were doing very well. After being with us awhile, I saw another side of him – bad temper. He blows up at me as my husband is usually traveling. He sits in a chair I got him and sleeps most of the day in front of TV as he won’t walk and only leaves the house for doctor appts even though I ask him to go with me when I have to leave. Had a headache today so I went to lay down. He was asleep in chair. Had no more than got to sleep when I heard him banging up and down the hallway with his walker looking for me – I’m not use to having to tell someone where I am every minute of the day. Last week I had to run several errands and told him I would be quite awhile. When I got home he was at the door waving his cane in my face – yelling at me that I was late. This time I told him he had to stop yelling at me as I wasn’t going to take it anymore but he still gets angry and is constantly negative-angry that he is still alive, angry that he can’t do things etc. I am trying so hard to make him comfortable but I feel trapped and cry all the time now. Thanks for the blog.