Can I be in love with someone without feeling sexually attracted to them? Is this a dealbreaker for a romantic relationship?

• Sometimes, that physical attraction doesn’t come naturally in a relationship—and it can cause those involved to worry about their connection and future.
• While it might be worrisome, the lack of a physical connection isn’t necessarily a red flag; instead, it can take time for one to develop this attraction as they get to know the other individual better.
• It’s important to focus on the mental and emotional connection, as this can lead one into progressing their feelings and building a solid foundation for their relationship.
• You can also take action to give your physical connection a budge: experiment with different date ideas, engage in humor, and explore each other’s senses.
• In summary, if you aren’t where you want to be physically or intimately in your relationship, work on getting to know each other and building your connection—there is hope for developing that physical attraction you long for.

A few years back, I remember reading a Humans of New York post on Facebook, in which a man explained complicated feelings for his girlfriend. If you aren’t familiar with Humans of New York, it’s a photoblog that provides a glimpse into the lives of passersby in New York City—each post featuring a picture of and quote from the subject. This particular subject’s face was not shown; instead, the picture was a close-up of his entangled hands. The man revealed how torn he was in his new relationship. He explained that he was smitten and intrigued by his girlfriend, he loved and adored her—but he just wasn’t sexually attracted to her. And he wrestled with whether or not this was a dealbreaker.

While this topic isn’t widely discussed, it is a topic of concern for many, as these circumstances beg important questions like: Where does my relationship stand? Can this sexual attraction develop over time? Is there hope for us?

Give the Physical Attraction Time

Here’s the thing: love doesn’t always start with a physical connection. Sure, we hear those stories about people being pulled together like magnets when they first meet, unable to keep their hands off each other—but this isn’t the case for every couple. Instead, it can take time to develop this physical attraction, as you get to know each other mentally and emotionally first. Caleb Backe, Health and Wellness Expert at Maple Holistics, explains:

“When people speak about the spark or clicking with somebody, they’re not necessarily talking about a physical attraction, but a mental one. Similarly, the way you feel about someone can have nothing to do with their appearance. A classic case of this would be online relationships—nothing says you can’t fall in love with someone’s personality without having any idea what they look like.

The more you get to know each other on a non-physical level, the more the physical attraction will grow on its own. This is largely due to the fact that you’ll come to appreciate the person beyond their ‘packaging’ and see their essence (aka their personality). That’s why people will often list their top priority in a partner as funny or kind—personality traits, not physical attributes.”

The moral of the story is that physical attraction doesn’t always come naturally—it can take time to develop this connection, and it will likely progress as you get to know each other from the inside out. So, if you aren’t experiencing the level of physical attraction toward your love interest that you would like, hold tight—you can get there.

3 Proactive Tips for Improving Your Physical Connection

If you aren’t physically attracted to your love interest, you don’t just have to sit around and wait for that physical connection to develop. You can take action. Here are 3 tips that could potentially help you to create or improve your physical connection:

1. Experiment with different dates: There might not be a physical spark right away, but that could change over the course of a few dates. Experiment with different settings or activities. Dress up and go out to dinner; keep it more casual and do something fun like bowling or putt putt golfing; take a trip to a new city together. Give it a few chances and ease the chemistry along by engaging in new experiences together.
2. Find humor: As we mentioned earlier, humor is one of the most attractive qualities. You can give your physical attraction a boost by engaging in humor and simply laughing together. And if your relationship works out, you can return to humor to keep your relationship happy, as learning to laugh can get you through the hard times.
3. Explore each other’s senses: If you connect with someone, but that instant connection isn’t there, try exploring each other’s senses to develop your sexual chemistry. For example, indulge in the individual’s favorite meal; sit down and watch the movie that makes them bust out laughing; or listen to the song that makes them burst out in tears. Explore the senses, experiment with different levels of emotion, and see if you can’t urge that physical connection along.

My Love Connection: Is It a Hit or Miss?

The individual in the Humans of New York post questioned whether his relationship was valid without this physical attraction and intimacy. People flooded the comments, some calling him a jerk for finding his girlfriend unattractive and others offering support, as they’d been there before. Here was the consensus: one, he was respected for being so honest; two, there was certainly hope for his relationship. “While physical attraction plays an important evolutionary role in reproduction, there’s nothing to say that a lack of sexual attraction will negatively impact a relationship,” Backe explains. Additionally, the mental is what matters most: “Mental attraction is a prerequisite for maintaining a lasting, healthy relationship. Someone who is in love with, but not attracted to, an individual should still pursue this love connection as this is the connection that will last.”

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