It’s coming down to nothing more than apathy… An infamous line in the opening verse of The Fray’s hit song “Over My Head (Cable Car).” When this song came out I was just 10 years old—but still, I was hypnotized by the heartbreak-struggle of a song…even if I couldn’t yet understand it. In fact, I distinctly remember being caught up on the word ‘apathy’ every time I listened to the song. ‘What the heck is apathy?’ I wondered. I guess I wasn’t clever enough yet to pull out a dictionary or do a quick google search of the word. But it serves as consolation to know that people still struggle to understand this word today. And now, 12 years after stressing out over what in the world ‘apathy’ meant, I can explain it!
Simply defined, apathy is the lack of feeling—the lack of passion, emotion, excitement, concern. In the “Over My Head (Cable Car)” lyric, the narrator attributes his breakup to a lack of love and care; the two don’t feel driven to salvage their relationship. Instead, they’re detached and indifferent: characteristics of the emotionless emotion, as apathy is sometimes called. Here, apathy may sound like a simple state of carelessness in an unhappy relationship. And while it can be harmless and normal to experience, it can also be harmful. The indifference, unresponsiveness, detachment, and passivity can leave apathetic individuals feeling exhausted and also lead to their making of bad decisions—because they just don’t care.
What Exactly Causes Apathy?
It’s safe to say that you have or will experience apathy at some point in your life. Whether it’s during one of these cold breakups, when you lose a job you had given up on, or if it’s what you experience when making an otherwise minor or major life transition. But what specifically can lead to apathy?
- Negative thoughts and feelings about oneself. If you’ve been feeling incompetent, useless, worthless, or otherwise pessimistic about your abilities, you may soon move on to feelings of apathy. You might stop feeling sorry for yourself and instead become detached.
- A major life event that affects you greatly. Sometimes major events like being fired from a job can leave you feeling so upset that this distress manifests as apathy. For example, imagine you’ve been working for your employer for 5 years—you’re comfortable, you’re expecting a promotion, and instead get let go. A few days later you’re no longer angry or upset; instead, you’re indifferent.
- You’re stagnant—your life is a boring routine. Oftentimes, we get so caught up in working our 9-5 jobs, putting dinner on the table, and making sure the day simply goes smoothly, that we forget about our joys and our goals. And before we know it, we’ve settled—we’ve accepted lesser versions of our lives.
- You’re overwhelmed or worn down. The aforementioned routine also has the power to leave you feeling overwhelmed or worn down, rather than bored. Either way, you’re left with indifference, detachment, and a lack of energy to do anything about it.
- You have a much more serious issue, more specifically a mental health disorder. Apathy can be a symptom of a number of psychiatric and neurological disorders, such as Alzheimer’s, schizophrenia, stroke, and chronic mild depression.
But How Can I Be Sure That What I’m Experiencing Is Apathy?
It’s true: we can experience indifference, exhaustion, detachment, and passivity on multiple occasions, but apathy isn’t always to blame. So how can you be sure? The following narratives will help you better understand and identify apathy:
- Jake has always loved playing and watching football; he was the quarterback on his high school’s team and he always hosts Sunday night football at his house. However, this fall, he just hasn’t been interested in playing or watching his favorite sport. He turns down invitations for pick-up games and no longer invites his friends over to watch the games. Jake’s apathy is characterized by his great change in interest; he’s no longer interested in what once made him feel so excited and happy.
- Ever since Grace graduated college last fall, she’s been at a standstill. She’s thought about applying to different jobs or even spending the year traveling, but just hasn’t felt driven to commit to anything. She’s satisfied staying at home on the couch for now. This indifference is characteristic of Grace’s apathy.
- When Emma first started her job, she loved it. She always arrived early, completed her work with enthusiasm, and her boss quickly took notice. But lately, her heart just hasn’t been in it. She’s suddenly bored by her work and is hesitant to even show up some days. Emma’s apathy is characterized by her sudden lack in motivation.
And How Can I Solve These Feelings of Apathy?
First of all, it’s okay and normal to feel apathetic from time to time. But if you’ve decided that it’s time to shake this funk, you first need to figure out where your apathy is coming from. Are you unhappy with your job? Do you feel stuck in an unsatisfying relationship? Do you just feel indifferent about life? Determine the underlying issue and then approach it with anything but apathy. For example, maybe you should explore other work opportunities; perhaps it’s time to light a fire in your relationship again; or maybe it’s simply time to get up off the couch and chase your dreams. You have to challenge your feelings of indifference and passivity with action. So introduce new exciting elements to your life, enjoy the little things, reawaken! Doing so will surely get you back on the right track. If, on the other hand, you find that your apathy is a sign of an underlying disease, medication can be used to treat the mental illness and this unfortunate effect.
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Taylor Bennett
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They say the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference. I think that is so true! Indifference, apathy, ambivalence, they all suck the life out of even the most vibrant people and relationships if allowed to. My husband has allowed it to dull his light down to the dimmest possible, with only an occasional flicker able to shine through once in awhile. It’s so unfortunate that people really have to figure things out on their own, like when adults told us as teenagers to do or not do certain things. We didn’t listen, we had to crash and burn for ourselves before we understood. I’ve told him before that it may not feel like it, but it’s his decision how he views and ultimately feels about the world, life, me, our marriage, etc. Things have a way of becoming self fulfilling prophecies, if one thinks the worst of someone, they usually get it, but the reverse is also true! Positivity is absolutely infectious as well!
I truly hope he will decide he has the power to change the way he views life right now. It’s going on 3.5 years of this purgatory and for me, it’s hell. To be with someone that so wholly and voraciously loved you that now barely cares if they speak a word to you in a day is just heartbreaking. We stayed in the honeymoon period far, far longer than most. The first 8 or 9 years were euphoric, getting along famously, and I never had a single thought that 4 years later I would be considering divorce as my last resort. He tells me I should keep trying, that he would keep trying. I have to remind him that hes not trying though and that’s the problem. So I’m suppose to just be willing to beat my head against a wall unending & being the only one that cares enough to try to save this thing? That’s crazy! I cannot be in a relationship for the rest of my life where I love more than I’m loved, I want him more than I’m wanted, & I give so much more than I’m given. Especially not since I know what he’s capable of, I tell him its insulting when he I sista he’s still IN love like I am because I know how it feels when he’s IN love with me. This isn’t even a shadow of that. I tell him, I’m not trying to change him, or ask for things he never had given, I simply want the love and affection of the man that convinced me to marry him based on the quality of those aspects he willingly & freely gave for 9 years.
I said go to the DR. If you need to, figure it out because this isn’t normal. He swears it isn’t resentment but I have a hard time believing it. He found an amazing job that pays a lot and they adore him, he loves it, so it isn’t that. I just don’t know and can’t drive myself crazy over it anymore. My self esteem has plummeted, it’s hard not to internalize it as being about me directly when I’m the aspect that takes the worst blow. (Not literally, I don’t want it to sound like he abuses me or anything of that sort. Even though emotional abandonment isn’t a fun ride to be on, I’m not going to lump it in with physical, serious abuse)
Sometimes it’s nice to just to get it out there and out of my head. I know it’s nice to find articles like this and see in the comments I’m not the only one dealing with it. Maybe I can at least be that for someone else.
Wow this was definitely needed I’m going through similar things. Except we’ve been together for 1 year vs 9 years. Feeling super down.
Anita, I can absolutely relate to your story. I was married to my husband for 24 years. We have two daughters together. My husband became very depressed and accused me of all sorts of things. It broke our relationship. When he finally got better. He was never the same. He was indifferent did not want to go to counseling to repair all the damage in our relationship. After two years of begging him to work on it and beating my head against the wall. I sold our home and went out and rented a house with just my daughter and I hoping that would give him the wake up call to fight for me and our relationship. No just made him mad. By the time he finally came around we were divorced and I just could not get the love back. No respect for him, lack of drive, no feeling of partnership. I had worked far to much for far too long to settle for this and I am a positive energetic fun person. I did not want to live life with someone who was negative and not pulling the cart with me. If he doesn’t change be direct be honest about your needs and if he does not change get out! I did and have found a new amazing partner.