New Orleans, LA Couples Therapy—Counseling for Relationships

Dax Shepherd and Kristen Bell have been an A-list celebrity couple for more than a decade. They have dazzled red carpets with their love and devotion to each other. Millions flocked to YouTube to watch the homemade video they made of their African vacation. They have been open and honest about their love but also about their struggles. What is the key to their happy relationship? Both Shepherd and Bell have said that couples therapy has helped them. “In my previous relationship, we went to couples’ therapy at the end, and that’s often too late,” Kristen said. With Dax, they have been proactive about working through their problems. Like many other couples, they are reaping the rewards of couples counseling.

“Nobody can predict the future. You just have to give your all to the relationship you’re in and do your best to take care of your partner, communicate and give them every last drop of love you have. I think one of the most important things in a relationship is caring for your significant other through good times and bad.”
—Nick Cannon

Working proactively within a relationship and giving your best to your partner is a wonderful concept, but it is easier said than done. Many people need help to know how to make their relationship work. Healthy, happy couples do not just happen. Sometimes, each partner has individual work they need to do. Sometimes, couples need to work on how they relate to each other. In either case, a couples therapist may be able to help.

The therapists and counselors at Thriveworks New Orleans offer couples counseling because we know what it takes for couples to flourish in their relationship. We know that the hard work of being a couple, however, is often worth it.

Four Relational Problems

In his famous study on relational health, Dr. Gottman could often predict whether a couple would make it or whether they would eventually split up. How was he able to do this? There are four relationship problems that drive couples apart. They can manifest in a variety of ways, but when relational experts look closely, below the surface, one or more of the elements is often present when couples are struggling. In fact, Dr. Gottman labeled these common problems “The Four Horsemen” because they are so toxic that they often signal the end of a relationship. They are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. When couples are relating in these ways, it is usually a sign that their relationship needs significant intervention. Here is what The Four Horsemen look like in everyday life:

• Criticism — Believe it or not, disagreeing, critiquing, and evening fighting are not inherently bad for a relationship. In fact, they can be signs of a healthy bond. The difference between these and criticism is that healthy fighting attacks the problem while criticism attacks the individual. Critique looks like, “when I saw a big withdrawal from our checking account, I was nervous because I did not know what the money was for.” It names a legitimate issue and one’s own feelings about it. Criticism looks like, “you are so irresponsible. Why in the world would you take money out of the account without telling me?” Criticism attacks one’s partner. It pits one partner against the other instead of keeping the couple on the same time to solve the problem.
• Defensiveness — When an issue is raised within the relationship, defensiveness seeks out blame in other people or circumstances instead of each partner taking responsibility for their own feelings, choices, thoughts, and actions. Healthy couples consist of two healthy individuals, and healthy individuals accept accountability for themselves. When asked about one’s actions, defensiveness responds by saying, “why would you even bring that up? This day has been too crazy for me to even think about it.” Responsibility asks, “can I hear more about your concern?” acknowledges any shortcomings, and then proactively makes changes.
• Stonewalling — Criticism and defensiveness take the posture of attack, but stonewalling is different. Stonewalling has given up the battle and withdrawn. If criticism and defensiveness are fire, stonewalling is ice. If criticism and defensiveness are the heart of a battle, then stonewalling minimizes and denies that there is even a battle raging. Stonewalling sweeps problems under the rug instead of addressing them. Stonewalling means that partners are not responding to each other’s needs and that they are growing apart. Stonewalling is often a sign that a couple is battle-weary.
• Contempt — The last horseman may be the most dangerous. Contempt is a fundamental demeanor that shows disrespect toward a partner. Contempt uses shame to make a partner feel less than when healthy couples are equals. In daily life, contempt looks like one partner mocking the other and/or using sarcasm, eye-rolls, and put-downs.

These behaviors can threaten any couple’s relationship, but when they are acknowledged, they can be changed. In fact, these four horsemen are the heart of what much of couples counseling focuses upon. Partner can learn healthier ways of relating. They can learn how to appreciate each other. They can learn how to take personal responsibility. They can learn how to prioritize their own self-care. Couples counselors can often be their guide in learning these new skills.

Scheduling an Appointment at Thriveworks New Orleans for Couples Counseling

If you think that you and your partner may benefit from counseling, know that Thriveworks New Orleans has appointments available. We accept many forms of insurance, and we offer evening and weekend sessions. Call us today, and you may be meeting with your couples therapist tomorrow.