Comments on: When family members take advantage of you: How to spot it, and what to do about your people-pleasing tendencies

By: Angry

Angry — Fri, 12 Feb 2021 13:12:44 +0000

I have allowed my.mother and her boyfriend to live in my rental property for nearly 20 years or more. They originally took it at market value rent, but quickly advised they couldn’t afford it all, so sublet my houses granny flat to reduce their rent with another person. I have to pay that persons water bills as there are no separate water meters. They are now 73 and 83. I asked many years ago for them to move out. I wanted to sell and they refused to go. In fact, they screamed at me, locked me out of the house (I was staying there after being made redundant in my job) and as I got upset tried to say I was mentally unstable and called an ambulance. Of course I was upset but certainly not mentally unstable. I was upset because my mother’s boyfriend pinched me so hard on my chest during our argument. My mother was in tears.
My mother has had literally thousands of dollars out of me. She’s been shouted around the world and had multiple holidays paid for. During this time, she demanded I buy her clothes and gifts for her friends. She us sadly broke because past relationships involved her feeling sorry for her partners and she gave them her house money- taken for her ride. Her current boyfriend is a leeach too. He pays for honey (yes, honey the spread) and power. I suspect he gambles her money and his away. They are both migrants and arrived in Australia but ate in restaurants expecting life to magically bring in money. They worked some but jobs but opted to be Artists and photographers instead of getting a standard reliable day job. As a result they struggle financially. No savings whatsoever and credit card debt.
I am in my rental property now with them fixing up maintenance. They did not really take good care of my house in 20 years. They break things and joke that I will pay for them. This includes the pool that they didn’t buy proper pool chemicals for resulting in my having to replace the pool shell ( it had 3 inches of sludge in it, chemically imbalanced resulting in rust), and they now don’t mow the lawns. I have to pay for pool servicing and lawn mowing.
I live in my own house that they rent for next to nothing while the other tenant makes up a little more rent.
I have brought my mother a car.
I have provided all of their food, thousands and thousands of dollars of it, in compensation for my living with them in their rental property or my house.
I am the daughter.
The boyfriend has done nothing for me financially ever in my life. Unfortunately he has be5prrsent since I was 17. He is now 73 asking me to take care if him, and pay for his funeral costs later in.
I put myself through university and they didn’t support me then.
My mother helped my useless brother financially with his house deposit but she didn’t help me because I was working day in and out to get ahead. Something my brother never did.
They are all too lazy yo work in my view.
While I work to give my mother a hundred dollars a week for food, they drink coffee and make zero effort to bring in any money.
I can’t sell my house because my mother will end up on the street as she has so much credit card debt she could never get a lease, no cope with it.
I must admit, I am very disappointed with them. I fo not care for my mother’s boyfriend at all but I love my mum. But sometimes because of this situation I get angry and it upsets me so much it has made me I think sick. It is stressful to be nearly and still have to find rent to pay because your mother has taken over your house with her boyfriend.
I feel do financially used that I can’t even live with my mum, because she wants things she can’t afford, things like a new bed to replace her old one, perfume (hint hint) and her 2 cats vet bills. The boyfriend does not take any responsibility. I must admit I only tolerate him because of my mother.
I have never seen any two people be so irresponsible for their own care as what they are.
I am resentful that every day I support them and go without myself.
HOWEVER do I really want to be someone to have thrown out their mum on the street? In my life, I consider my achievement to be my ability to help. But yes, it can go so far that you disempower people to not be able to help themselves.

In truth, I wish I had another family for all the pain and suffering my mother has put on my shoulders. She and her boyfriend are burdens on me.

I suggest you NEVER allow family to move into your rental property. My mother was 50 when she moved into my home. Not 70 not 60 but 50.

Do not ever get yourself into my position. Its impacted my overall life, my happiness, my financial abilities and tied me down.

You cannot make a person work if they don’t want to, or are too proud to. You cannot lead a horse to water sometimes and make it drink.

Sadly it is true that whilst I have a lot of love for my mum, she’s pushed the limits.

Now, I am facing an auto immune disease. I resent being the family provider when the boyfriend won’t step up. Shame on hi..

By: Jason

Jason — Sun, 03 Jan 2021 17:30:25 +0000

I have been taking advantage by my sister she loves to steal I almost died a couple years ave when I attempted suicide it makes me feel like I don’t have a sister just a thief that likes to steal and plus I have a developmental disability bipolar ptsd absorbers borderline personality disorder she thinks I am dumb but I am not I catch on to things right away I don’t want to do this but I might have to disown who I thought was my sister it is sad when you can’t. Trust your sister

By: Shae Johnson

Shae Johnson — Tue, 15 Dec 2020 16:11:56 +0000

I’ve been a people pleaser all my life. For some reason I can get out of some habits but I cant at the same time. I have a cousin who needed a place to live. She was coming from Georgia to Ohio in the summer of 2018. she has other family members but her father wouldn’t let her stay due to his wife, I’m not sure about her gma but anyway she was supposed to get a summer job and eventually move out. She hadn’t gotten a job until this year she’s still living with me now she spends money constantly supposed to move out by May didn’t happen. Supposed to move out again in august, didn’t happen then switched to Dec. Didn’t happen. On top of that my step father is trying to buy my old vehicle off of me and I’m paying payments on it he’s paid two payments and stopped. I’ve never missed a car payment til recently. On top of that I recently started babysitting my other cousins kids while she goes to work. She works at my old job for 3rd shift which is 11pm to 7am. Instead of coming to get them after work she goes home gets a bit of sleep which is understandable but after yesterday she dropped them off at my house at 4pm to go someplace with her mom that involves something with her brother she just lost last month and they had a memorial around 6pm and she went to work at 11pm my husband is furious with me but he’s not mad at me for wanting to help other people he’s more upset that I help my family who seem to take advantage of me. I can say no I’ve done oy before but now everything is getting out of control.

By: Debra

Debra — Sun, 29 Nov 2020 06:14:05 +0000

In reply to Samaria.

I am so glad you had the strength and courage to stand up and tell her to go . My mom is also the same but takes pills. I’m so depressed now I have 2 grown kids living with me and my sister is of no help. I take care of her when she per say is supposedly helping. I’m going insane. I’m so happy for you . Thank you for sharing.

By: Janice LaDay

Janice LaDay — Fri, 27 Nov 2020 05:57:40 +0000

How do I stop People Pleasing, now? I am years old and it started the day my mother died when I was 4 years old. I am now 68!

By: Deann Dittmar

Deann Dittmar — Tue, 24 Nov 2020 17:34:46 +0000

In reply to Samaria.

I was put on perm disability for severe depression 199ì i am sick of discrinanation Drs, sociñķķmedicare honestly i called to check my covñķķxx
This woman told me i had been on it long enough noķķxai 8 have been working in this for years and i am o ly on stress and sleeping pĺ i rarely take it i go 6 to 7bdays no sleep then iķķ k am just getting sick of the human rñ racebbĺ i onlymake 800 month cant sfgord you

By: Samaria

Samaria — Thu, 10 Sep 2020 22:12:03 +0000

Hi All! I’ve been taken advantage by my mom and my siblings for over 10 years and I finally put my foot down and said it was enough…I nearly thought I was going to die this March 2020 because I was my mom’s caregiver for 10 years and she lost her apartment for not following the rules…so my husband and I took her in last October to live with us in our house since none of my other siblings want to step up. She was a very rude and disrespectful 71 year old lady to myself and my husband because she couldn’t do as please in our kitchen…she nearly almost burnt her old apartment down and so I decided to cook her meals and she wasn’t satisfied so I had fell into a deep anxiety attack and ocd (which I was never ocd from the beginning) and when it hit me, my heart started pumping so hard that I almost collapsed because my mom was like a germ or a parasite and I had to clean after her and then would run to my room and cry and then use my inhaler because I couldn’t breathe and with all the covid-19 going on, I couldn’t handle being around dirtiness! And my siblings said my mom was never the issues…I’m the one with the issue and that I’m being selfish for not able to handle her as she is my mom…Therefore I had to distant myself from all of them because none of them been in my shoes and all they did was bashing me for not able to handle my mom anymore. They told me I should be able to take it, overall she’s my mom! Yet they have been living like they can travel anywhere w/o an attachment! I myself have never traveled because she’s stuck on my hip! I was only given 2 hours a day to watch her, but they made it seems like I need to be there for her 24/7! I’ve been spending hours every month for the past 8 years in the ER Because she would go to her friends house on weekends and drink and then dehydrated and I’m the one that’s been there and at most, I had to neglect my needs, my children’s needs and my husband’s needs because of my mom! So may of 2020, that’s when I decided to put my foot down and send her to my sister…which she’s the main one I’m no longer talking to since she posted on social media that I’m a dead beat child…it’s because I’m trying to take care of myself now. I am actually doing ok since she left. But still on anxiety meds.

By: Sidd aman

Sidd aman — Thu, 20 Aug 2020 16:33:21 +0000

In reply to Elinor Hawke-Szady.

So he’s been your it bf for 5 months and you are already freaking out about him giving a gift to his sister? Sounds like to him you are the one who he should set boundaries with and let it be known that just because he share too much his family business with you, you still can’t control.

By: Ash

Ash — Thu, 30 Jul 2020 20:11:47 +0000

In reply to Elinor Hawke-Szady.

Do you have reddit? If you post it on there, you can get some great advice. Here are my two cents, that’s a very tough situation to be in. I would stop worrying myself and let him do as he pleases. I’m a people pleaser, but there’s a freaking limit and so much one can take. As much as you care about him, it isnt your problem to solve. My father is like this, he does so much for his family, yet is frugal when it comes to us. The worse thing is, my mom and dad have arguments over this all the time, it’s an endless unhealthy cycle. My mom has mentioned him taking the anger out on us when someone takes advantage of him. He can’t help himself. I think the best thing to do is, let them be. You’re losing out on anything? He still loves you all the same, but like I said as hard it is to not intervene, it’s his problem – he needs to recognise what an a**hole his sister truly is. Please stop worrying yourself.

By: Elinor Hawke-Szady

Elinor Hawke-Szady — Tue, 10 Mar 2020 16:53:23 +0000

I’d like to know what to do when your boyfriend is the one who’s like this and you’re at wits’ end to get him to change. My boyfriend of 5 months has 3 older half-sisters – one of whom has constantly taken advantage of him for years – including stealing substantial amounts of money from him. (His Mother – now deceased – was an emotionally/financially/mentally/physically abusive alcoholic – and I’m wondering if somehow that has something to do with the family dynamics)…

Last week, we got into an argument because he wanted to give her a gift – worth a fairly large sum of money. I freaked and brought up the fact that she’s stolen well over $10,000.00 from him in the past, and was also fired from her position as a Personal Support Worker in an old age home for stealing from elderly patients. (She was prosecuted for that and received a sentence).

This same sister also inherited their deceased Mother’s trailer in a nice rural area. She has repeatedly told my boyfriend he’s “not welcome” there. Say what???!!! WHY does he insist on remaining in contact with her? WHY does he insist on giving her things? She’s a troll (I’ve met her and was not impressed).

My boyfriend’s response was “She’s my sister and I love her.” REALLY? He’s told me multiple stories about how nasty she is (there’s more I won’t get into here). I have 2 older brothers, and if either of them ever pulled this crap with me, I’d never speak to them again – EVER. I realize everyone handles things differently, but this is just insane. While I love my boyfriend dearly, I’m afraid that this is going to be the death of the relationship.

I should point out that my boyfriend loves me as much as I love him, and would do anything in the world for me, but I don’t take advantage of him and I would certainly NEVER EVER steal from him. I would love some advice here, as I’m feeling pretty bewildered right now.

By: carolyn myer

carolyn myer — Wed, 22 Jan 2020 01:09:46 +0000

very inyeresting