Hello Austin. I am not a therapist or counsellor. I am a married mother in Australia who read this article for seem personal perspective. So take my suggestion with a grain of salt. First I want to say I admire your efforts to write the letter in 2016, to search for advice and information about the situation online, and to seek further therapy or counselling for yourself. You are clearly making efforts to seek a solution, that is commendable, as is your care for your son. My suggestion for you to access therapy or counselling is to find one based your home country (the US I think?) who has received many good reviews from clients which you can read for yourself, AND who offers sessions via Skype.

Hi Austin!

Thanks for taking the time to share your story and ask for help. Thriveworks operates a free mental health discussion board (you can find the link here: https://twx.atlantacounseling.com/community/), which is moderated by licensed mental health professionals who I know can offer you some helpful information. I recommend you post your question there. Best of luck to you.

The following is a letter I wrote to my wife three years ago seeking change. She has never acknowleged it and nothing is any better. Out 10-year old son is worrying about his unhappy parents and in particular the critical comments that he has heard his mom and grandparents make about his dad. (I just learned this from him last night.)

Could you read my letter and tell me if you think there is any hope?

August 15, 2016

Dear S,
I guess that it is strange to type a letter to you, but it also seems like the only good way of communicating right now. I hope that you will read this and that we can find a solution.
Since about the time that you returned to work five years ago, there has been an increasingly obvious change in our relationship. To me, the changes are not good and the causes are unclear. And yesterday, M made it very clear that he too is suffering. Neither of us want that, right?
It is impossible for me to write about you here, because actually I don’t know you any more. So, most of this is about me. By reading it, I hope that you will understand my feelings and then possibly think of things that we can do differently. This letter is not about placing blame; it is intended to find a way to fix whatever is wrong.
Let me begin by very honestly telling you what I am feeling. I don’t keep a diary, so I am not completely sure about dates. Some events may be out of consequence. But that doesn’t really matter.
Soon after you returned to JIAM, you began commenting on my posture. Almost every day, you said that my back wasn’t straight. As days and weeks went by, I began to sense that you did not like walking with me. I intentionally stopped walking in front of you so that you wouldn’t see my back and I wouldn’t have to hear the criticism.
At about the same time, you began refusing me at night. Each time that I touched you, you pushed me away. First I thought that you were just not feeling well, but gradually, it became clear that you did not want any physical contact. Eventually, I gave up trying because of the disappointment and embarrassment; I lost all confidence. It has been more than five years now. (The last kiss was March 13, 2014 – the day I returned from the US.)
Both of us became increasingly busy and tired because of the long commute. At home you cooked dinner every night and made M’s lunch. I wanted to do something to ease your burden. So I did the laundry and cleaned. But just about every time that I did those things, you re-did them. You re-hung the laundry. You re-vacuumed the rooms. Everything had to be done to perfection – your way. I wasn’t good enough. So I gave up.
There was nothing I could do but watch the news or US television. However, when I did that, you made quiet comments about wishing that you could sit down but being too busy. I was made to feel guilty. The only thing left to do was to go to bed.
Finally, in the car on the way to and from work/school, I tried to talk. Yet just about everything I said you disagreed with. I was wrong or you had a better idea. At least that’s what it felt like to me. Nobody wants to be wrong all the time; so gradually I just stopped talking.
That pretty much brings us to where we are now. A silent, frustrated, glum family. M said it yesterday, “Mama and Dada never smile anymore.” He was sitting right beside you but you didn’t even say anything to him. He is being affected and we have to do something. We are supposed to be role-models.
I have asked you before to tell me what is wrong. You have never answered. Once, about four years ago, I asked you mother and she said, “I have no idea what S is thinking. She doesn’t talk to me.”
Last night, I felt that there is not much time left. That is why I am writing this letter to you today.
For M’s sake and for our sakes, some major changes are needed. I will listen to whatever you want to say. Silence isn’t working for either of us.