1. Unspoken expectations have about zero percent chance of being met. if you want pancakes for breakfast and never say, “I want pancakes” then there is almost no chance you get your expectations met. Speak those expectations. Do it calmly and with tact but at least let others know what it is you want. In the conflict above it is perfectly acceptable to say, “I would love to try out the recliner…do you mind if sit for a few minutes?” It is also acceptable to say, “This sweater was a gift to me but if you really love it I will give it to you because I care about you.”

2. Be prepared to have failed expectations even when you speak them. Sometimes we really want something and we even ask for it and somehow we get let down. I see this often in couples counseling. Be it sexual intimacy, chores, or even spending quality time I hear one spouse say, “He/She won’t do _____ even if I ask nicely or beg.” There will be times when our expectations go unfulfilled BUT…there is hope. See my next point…

3. Coach your loved ones. This is not the same thing as nagging your loved ones. This is not the same as demanding things from your loved ones. We must literally train each other to be better at helping us get our needs met. That might be hard to swallow, but consider housebreaking a new puppy. It is not likely that a new pup will just go to the door and wait for you to open it so he can go out to pee. We must train the pup. As maniacal as it might sound, we do this with our loved ones. Don’t we reinforce good behavior as well as bad behavior? Sure…we do it all the time. I want my lovely wife to cook great meals for me pretty much every day. I am the husband who never ever forgets to compliment her cooking (reinforce good behavior). I am willing to help her clean up when she cooks (more reinforcement). Heck I even brag about her cooking to friends, family and neighbors. it works.

4. Lastly I would encourage the person above (VPO) to approach her in laws with the “love bank” mentality. We must make a lot of regular deposits in the love bank before any withdrawals can be made. That takes, time, patience, and a genuine desire to connect. If you can do that, there is an excellent chance for reciprocity…BUT don’t expect it. Just enjoy it when it comes and be surprised.

Good luck

Curtiss Robinson
Thriveworks-Conway