Comments on: Caring for Elderly Parents: 6 Tips from a Counselor on Surviving the Emotional Roller Coaster

By: karanjoshi

karanjoshi — Mon, 16 Mar 2020 12:04:46 +0000

This is enough for guidance and information on caring for my aging parents. Thank you for sharing effective information about caring for your parents. Nice article

By: Maria S

Maria S — Thu, 09 May 2019 14:40:46 +0000

I have recently become the caretaker for my 86 year old mother. it has been almost a year now. my husband and I had just gotten married (second marriage) and then my mother moved it. She was living in an unhealthy situation, not showering for over 6 years because she couldn’t get into her tub, not leaving her house for 3 years because she could not get down her steps. Her doctor had said she was in kidney failure. He suggested she get out of her home and move closer to family. I did try to find her an apartment close by but she did not want to be alone. We had to modify our entire home for her ie: build a handicap bathroom, give up office space and make it a bedroom (we live in a colonial all bedrooms on second floor) put a handicap ramp on our back steps, my mother has taken over our main level of our house. that is not the issue I am having, the issue I am having is, she can get up everyday and get on a van and go to senior center, but when she is home she can not or will not even get up to get a fork for herself. Instead it is maria get me this, and get me that. I do EVERYTHING for my mother, cook, clean, laundry, shopping, take off from work to bring her to the doctors which I do not get paid when I take off. My mother gives us 500 rent, but this money doesn’t even come close to covering what it cost her have an extra person in our home. and she never offers to chip in for pizza, or food in any way. In a way I feel like she thinks we owe her. Why is this suddenly my responsibility. She has a lot of money in the bank and doesn’t spend it except to buy clothes for her senior center. or to buy things for the people at senior center. She never offers to buy any of the food she is consuming in the house. She does not pay her own way and it is becoming a huge burden on my husband and myself. in fact this is destroying my marriage, as my mother does not want to be alone ever. If we want to go to dinner or movie or anything she starts to cry and gives us guilt trips. She acts like a complete baby. We are talking about a woman who has all her brains still but her body is weaker. We have had people in the home to evaluate her and they all said she was capable of being alone. she just doesn’t want to be. We had mentioned wanting to go to Italy and she told us not to go till she dies. She expects us to put our lives on hold till she dies, yet she constantly says she is going to out live us. I am feeling a lot of resentment toward my mother, and I don’t like feeling this way. I am also feeling a huge amount of resentment toward my brother and sister. My brother is useless and will not and never has offered to help my mother in any way., instead he is wondering how much he will inherited when she dies, and talks about his inheritance all the time. but since my mother moved in with us he refuses to come visit her on holidays, mothers day, her birthday because 1.5 hours drive is too far for him to go. I am the youngest of the family, my sister lives in NC, she works from home and has a ranch home with a walk in bathroom. When I have tried to talk to her about how I am feeling she usually always says, “put her in a nursing home” she is very heartless when it comes to family which is sad, because my sister would give the shirt off her back for her friends. Anyway, the last time I reached out to my sister about everything, she told me she couldn’t take her or she would need to buy a new house and a new car. I said, “I new house? why?? you live in a ranch” and her answer was, my mother couldn’t get into her shower. UGH. so you see I have no one I can talk to or get help from. And my mother refuses to respect my space, she tells everyone my personal business constantly. I have asked her several times to keep my personal life out of her conversations but she won’t. She also talks badly about me to people (I know because we have cameras in our home and I have heard her) and not once since she has been here has she ever said a nice thing to me, never a thank you, nothing. My husband actually sat with her and had a conversation about this, and he told her she should thank me, because I do everything for her. Well I sat down that night and instead of saying anything nice to me, she told me she had a conversation with my husband and she felt sorry for him because of his daughters (another story all together) never a hey Maria, thank you for all you do!. I don’t like the way I feel inside, I don’t like to be angry and resentful. I just need things to change before I waste away my good years. All my mother wants and expects me to do is sit there and watch her sleep. No thank you! I want to live! sorry this is so long but as you can tell I am upset.

By: Frances

Frances — Sat, 08 Dec 2018 15:40:00 +0000

I truly enjoyed reading this article and comments posted and could identify with the roller coaster of emotions and guilt. It is even harder when you have had a long history of a strained relationship. I am researching as much as I can regarding options but am overwhelmed with the myriad of paths to take and then coupled with my parents belief that they are fine. They live in a Florida and my three sisters and I live far away in various locations throughout the US….locations they say they cannot handle because of the cold weather. I get so angry with older people that don’t take steps early on to at a minimum downsize to at least an apartment or condo suited for seniors. I am 56 years old and have already taken those steps as house cleaning and yard work are already getting difficult with my knees. But my parents still live in a large house that is beyond their ability to care for and to save a buck refuse to pay for help when they can afford it or my sisters and I would be happy to chip in. Also my Dad in particular is incredibly critical of outside help and says no one can do the work as well as him. What is lacking in our society is skilled professionals to help mediate between parent and child and help develop courses of actions…..someone who is well versed in the myriad of options and costs. Does that exist? And not a social worker that seems to be limited to the care facility (hospital, skilled nursing) they are representing. I am also hoping to find some sort of support group at least to get ideas and leverage other lessons learned.

By: Carolyn Milne

Carolyn Milne — Sun, 27 Apr 2014 00:58:47 +0000

Enjoyed this blog as I feel so alone anymore. My 95 yr old father-in-law came to live with us in January and it was an adjustment for us all but I thought we were doing very well. After being with us awhile, I saw another side of him – bad temper. He blows up at me as my husband is usually traveling. He sits in a chair I got him and sleeps most of the day in front of TV as he won’t walk and only leaves the house for doctor appts even though I ask him to go with me when I have to leave. Had a headache today so I went to lay down. He was asleep in chair. Had no more than got to sleep when I heard him banging up and down the hallway with his walker looking for me – I’m not use to having to tell someone where I am every minute of the day. Last week I had to run several errands and told him I would be quite awhile. When I got home he was at the door waving his cane in my face – yelling at me that I was late. This time I told him he had to stop yelling at me as I wasn’t going to take it anymore but he still gets angry and is constantly negative-angry that he is still alive, angry that he can’t do things etc. I am trying so hard to make him comfortable but I feel trapped and cry all the time now. Thanks for the blog.

By: Liz

Liz — Mon, 29 Jul 2013 07:37:13 +0000

very helpful to read other’s peoples experiences. My mom is 89 and very independent. She has slowed down alot. Trying to be of help without pointing out that she needs it is tough. When I spend time with her I ask if there is anything I can help her with around the house, errands, whatever. Most of the time we just go out to eat or a movie. As hard as it is to be around her sometimes, because of our differences, and her resistance to facing her needs, I always walk away being grateful for the time we have together.

By: Kim Cartwright

Kim Cartwright — Sat, 18 May 2013 15:50:36 +0000

Gerri, it is amazing how knowing that you are not alone provides comfort, isn’t it? I was at my wits end one day last year when a dear friend said this to me, “You know, this is not unique to you. We are of the generation that is working through theses issues.” She then told me her own family’s story. Her words have stayed with me and been a continual source of peace. Thank you for sharing. May you continue to find peace and strength and may your words be a source of comfort to others. Kim

By: Gerri

Gerri — Thu, 16 May 2013 20:14:26 +0000

Thank you for the information. It made me feel better to realize alot of people are in my position now a days. My mother is turning 89.. she still doesn’t like giving up her control.. I give her space and like you said I have to get away once in awhile.. we live together.. just her and I. Most days we get along just fine.. some days are hard as she likes to boss me around on all the driving to get medications.. groceries or whatever she happens to want at the moment.. sometimes she is polite and will ask me if Im up to it .. other times.. she gets really bossy and upset if I dont do just what she wants when she wants, lol. I am 65 .. I am pretty spry but I have my aches and pains too, lol. Sometimes I just have to take a step back.. because I do want to help her all I can.